Numbers 6 | Grapeshunners

God told Moses to tell the Israelites how to set themselves apart as Nazarites, or ascetic hairy grapeshunners who denounce the grape and the razor.

Ascetic hairy grapeshunner in his natural habitat, which of course is a white plane with a curvy line to indicate a background, as the artist is feeling rather lazy today.

"In addition to bein' all hairy and sayin' no to grapes, Nazirites can't go near dead bodies, even if the dead bodies are... or, y'know, were, family.  In fact, if someone dies in the Nazirite's presence, the Nazirite has to cut off his or her hair after a week and then go on about some more dove/pigeon-slaughtering.  The Nazirite starts over because someone was inconsiderate enough to die while the Nazirite was around.  When the Nazirite's dedication period is over, he or she needs to bring a year-old no-defect male lamb, a perfect year-old ewe lamb, a ram without defect, and grain and drink offerings to the Tentmoot entrance.  The priest is to present all this in a variety of offerings to Me.  Throw in some bread brushed with olive oil.  The Nazarite will then shave his or her head and throw the hair into the fire under the ram corps--I mean, er, fellowship offering.  Then there'll be a quick ceremony with boiled animal shoulder and some arm-waving and ooh-and-ahh, and finally, after all this, the Nazirite can chill out for a bit and have his or her hardest-earned glasses of wine."

Turns out this was mankind's first attempt at the Funky Chicken.

"Also, Have Aaron bless the Israelites," God said.

"But they didn't all just collectively sneeze," Moses might very well have responded (HEY.  YOU DON'T KNOW.).  "How is he s'posed to bless 'em?"

"Like this:

'The LAWD bless you and keep you.  The LAWD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you.  The LAWD turn His face in your general direction and give you peace.'  That'll effectively put my God-Stamp on the Israelites and I will bless them."