Numbers 5 | How God Wants You To Deal with Lepers, The Sick, and Women Who Are Screwin' Around
"Cast away the lepers or anyone with a skin disease or who's bleeding, spewing pus, vomiting a whole lot, that kinda thing," commanded God. "Or if they're otherwise ceremonially unclean, like those weirdos who hang around all weekend frolicking about in corpses."
So Moses did.
"Also," continued the LAWD, "tell the Israelites that anyone who sins against any other person is unfaithful to me, guilty, and must confess the sin, and then make restitution. Give the measure of restitution to the person you wronged and add 20%, via rules of the Divine Pawn Shop. If the person you wronged has no close relative to give the restitution to, give it to the priest."
God then thought for a moment about other sage wisdom he could impart to his dirt-clod creations. After a while, he commanded Moses's attention:
"Hey! While I'm at it, y'all might wanna know how you can tell if your women have been screwin' around."
"Huh? Uh, okay. I guess that'd come in handy. Let's have it, then."
"Right--okay. So if a man suspects his wife of screwin' around (and, y'know, he's not cool with it or whatever*)--whether she is ACTUALLY screwin' around or not--he needs to take his wife and a sack o' barley flour to the priest. The flour is a jealousy offering so it can't have olive oil or anything else applied to it. Then the priest will bring her before Me."
"What happens next?"
"He'll give her some nasty dirt-water and say 'if you've not been screwin' around, cool. Otherwise, may you get fat, may all your pregnancies end with dead babies and heartache and social desolation, because everyone will know that you've been cursed by God.' And then the woman will be like 'okay, cool, aight.'"
"Any punishment for the dude's jealousy?"
"Nah. The barley covers it. Only the woman needs to feel guilty."
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* NIV, 5:12-13: "..If a man's wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him so that another man has sexual relations with her, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act),..."
So yeah. Looks like God allowed for consentual screwin' around.
So Moses did.
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| Having read the Bible, I know that I will have to drastically improve my zombification skills. Still, this was quite fun. |
God then thought for a moment about other sage wisdom he could impart to his dirt-clod creations. After a while, he commanded Moses's attention:
"Hey! While I'm at it, y'all might wanna know how you can tell if your women have been screwin' around."
"Huh? Uh, okay. I guess that'd come in handy. Let's have it, then."
"Right--okay. So if a man suspects his wife of screwin' around (and, y'know, he's not cool with it or whatever*)--whether she is ACTUALLY screwin' around or not--he needs to take his wife and a sack o' barley flour to the priest. The flour is a jealousy offering so it can't have olive oil or anything else applied to it. Then the priest will bring her before Me."
"What happens next?"
"He'll give her some nasty dirt-water and say 'if you've not been screwin' around, cool. Otherwise, may you get fat, may all your pregnancies end with dead babies and heartache and social desolation, because everyone will know that you've been cursed by God.' And then the woman will be like 'okay, cool, aight.'"
 |
| Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooth. |
"Nah. The barley covers it. Only the woman needs to feel guilty."
________________
* NIV, 5:12-13: "..If a man's wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him so that another man has sexual relations with her, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act),..."
So yeah. Looks like God allowed for consentual screwin' around.
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