Leviticus 26 | God Talks Smack with the Hebrews' Punk-Asses
All this stuff was said by God.
"No idols or sacred standing stone Druid crap. Revere my church and observe my sabbath. Obey me and I'll send you rain when you need it so you can eat fruit and veg and continue your existence. I'll grant you peace in your land--no wild beasts, no swords, no wars, no Paris Hilton, etc. Your enemies will all be defeated, even if it's a hundred of them against five of you.
"I'll be pleased with you if you obey me and make the few of you into a whole lot of you. I'll live among you in the Godhaus and keep my end of our covenant.
"BUT," God continued, finally breaking a chain in which Matt can't close quotations because God keeps rambling like he's freakin' John Motherloving Kerry or something, "if you fail to obey me and carry out all of my commandments, I will bring on you sudden terror, diseases that waste away your flesh, and fever that will blind you and rob you of your vitality. You will plant gardens and your enemies will eat them.
"You turn your back on me, and I turn my back on you," said the everloving God.
"If even after all this, you don't listen to me, I'll punish you for your sins sevenfold and you'll go without food because I'll turn both the sky and the earth against you.
"If you remain hostile toward me after that, I'll multiply your physical afflictions seven times over like you deserve. I will send wild animals against you and they will maul your children, decimate your cattle, and kill enough of you that you'll see tumbleweeds on your roads even here in the effin' desert.
"And if you don't like THAT and you continue to disobey me, I'll smite y'all's punk asses seven times over AGAIN!!!"
At this point, the Holy Spirit tried to tell God he was drunk and that he should stop with the trash-talk, but God punched the Holy Spirit's lights out and continued on.
"I'll send plagues. Plagues of SWORDS and WARS and DOOM. I'll cut off your supply of bread so that even though you still eat a little bit, you'll remain perpetually hungry, and I will point at you and laugh and call you Hungry McHungryford.
"If you STILL don't obey me after THAT, I'll give you yet still another seventh-degree-smite! You will eat your childrens' flesh. I will destroy your kirks and temples and stone circles and pile your dead on the smoking wreckage. I will scorch the earth so bad even your enemies won't want it. I will scatter you to all corners of the earth and draw out my sword and chase after yo' bitch ass.
"Your lands and cities will be desolate wastelands, decaying, burnt scraps of former lives. Any of you left after I get done with you will be so afraid in the lands of your enemies that even a leaf on the wind will scare the shit out of you.
"But if you all confess your sins and the sins of your ancestors, with your hearts humbled and ready to pay for your sin, I'll remember my covenant with Jake, Isaac, and Abe, and only destroy you MOST of the way."
God said all this at Mount Sinai to the Israelites through Moses.
"No idols or sacred standing stone Druid crap. Revere my church and observe my sabbath. Obey me and I'll send you rain when you need it so you can eat fruit and veg and continue your existence. I'll grant you peace in your land--no wild beasts, no swords, no wars, no Paris Hilton, etc. Your enemies will all be defeated, even if it's a hundred of them against five of you.
"I'll be pleased with you if you obey me and make the few of you into a whole lot of you. I'll live among you in the Godhaus and keep my end of our covenant.
"BUT," God continued, finally breaking a chain in which Matt can't close quotations because God keeps rambling like he's freakin' John Motherloving Kerry or something, "if you fail to obey me and carry out all of my commandments, I will bring on you sudden terror, diseases that waste away your flesh, and fever that will blind you and rob you of your vitality. You will plant gardens and your enemies will eat them.
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| "You will build sand castles and bullies will smoosh them with dead sharks!" |
"If even after all this, you don't listen to me, I'll punish you for your sins sevenfold and you'll go without food because I'll turn both the sky and the earth against you.
"If you remain hostile toward me after that, I'll multiply your physical afflictions seven times over like you deserve. I will send wild animals against you and they will maul your children, decimate your cattle, and kill enough of you that you'll see tumbleweeds on your roads even here in the effin' desert.
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| The Bible, First Ever Edition |
At this point, the Holy Spirit tried to tell God he was drunk and that he should stop with the trash-talk, but God punched the Holy Spirit's lights out and continued on.
"I'll send plagues. Plagues of SWORDS and WARS and DOOM. I'll cut off your supply of bread so that even though you still eat a little bit, you'll remain perpetually hungry, and I will point at you and laugh and call you Hungry McHungryford.
"If you STILL don't obey me after THAT, I'll give you yet still another seventh-degree-smite! You will eat your childrens' flesh. I will destroy your kirks and temples and stone circles and pile your dead on the smoking wreckage. I will scorch the earth so bad even your enemies won't want it. I will scatter you to all corners of the earth and draw out my sword and chase after yo' bitch ass.
"Your lands and cities will be desolate wastelands, decaying, burnt scraps of former lives. Any of you left after I get done with you will be so afraid in the lands of your enemies that even a leaf on the wind will scare the shit out of you.
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| "Hey, kid! D'you like plastic dinosaurs?" Yes, I understand full well that I am going to Firefly Hell for this. Worth it. |
God said all this at Mount Sinai to the Israelites through Moses.
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