Leviticus 23-25 - Well, I Did Three
LEVITICUS 23 - FESTIVALS N' WHAT-HAVE-YE
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"Speak to the Israelites," God told Moses, "and tell 'em about all my festivals."
- Sabbath, which hopefully by now we already know about;
- Passover, Matzo Festival
- Offering of the Firstfruits (bring your first sheaf of grain to the priest to have it given to God)
- Festival of Weeks (bring more grain to God after a while)
- Festival of Trumpets (present a food offering to God whilst trumpets blast about)
- Day of Atonement (fast, give God more food, don't work, anyone who doesn't fast on this day is cut off from Israel, etc.)
- Festival of Tabernacles (look, if you wanna read more about these, just hit it up in the real Lev. 23).
LEVITICUS 24 - STONE HIS ASS
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God kept right on talkin' to Moses.
"Your brother, Aaron, is to tend to the candles around the Ark of the Covenant like srsly, all the tiemz. He'll hole himself up in there with the Ark and rumors will spread and abound because he'll be the flamer of the candles."
"These lamps of course are on a pure gold lampstand, 'cause I'm your god and I need my holy space all pimped out. I require BREAD so make me TWELVE LOAVES of it and stack it in two stacks, six high each, and put the stacks on the pure gold table. Every Sabbath, I am to have this bread."
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Also in this chapter, for whatever reason, is the following lovely story.
An Israelite mother named Shelomith married and bumped uglies with an Egyptian dude whose name is not mentioned and they had a son, whose name is also not mentioned, but ultimately the son is the main character here, so I'ma give him a name.
Let's call him Lester.
One day, Lester was stumbling around after too much wine or something and stubbed his toe on a fossilized Matzo. "GOD DAMMIT," Lester did say.
Lester went to jail while Moses waited for God to figure out what to do with him.
God said:
"The rules for stoning his ass," said God, "are as follows: anyone who curses My name, whether foreigner or native-born, is to be put to death. Anyone who kills another human is to be put to death. All o' yall need to throw rocks at Lester until he's dead."
Moses told this to the Israelites and they all stoned Lester's ass, failing to ask whether they all needed to be killed now too since they all took part in Lester's holy murder.
Thus was born Diffusion of Responsibility--"maybe it was YOUR rock that killed him; we'll never know."
Leviticus 25 - On the Year of Jubilee, real estate, and slavery
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"Once every seven years, for a full year, leave the land alone," God said to Moses. "Eat whatever the land provides, by all means, but don't manipulate it. Give it a rest. It gets a sabbath year."
"Cool," said Moses. "I likes my land au naturel."
"Every fifty years you'll all have a Year of Jubilee which Matt's readers can read about here 'cause he's getting the Lazy Writer's bug. What a sloth."
INTERESTING STUFF IN THE CHAPTER
- v.14: "Don't rip off your homies."
- v.23: "The land is on lease, because it's MINE."
- v.39-46: "If any of your fellow Israelites become desperate enough to sell themselves to you, don't make 'em your slaves. They are hired workers and are to be released on the Year of Jubilee. The Israelites were slaves in Egypt and I redeemed them; they must never be slaves again. Feel free to buy slaves from other countries and from temporary residents living among you, and even to bequeath them to your progeny."
---
"Speak to the Israelites," God told Moses, "and tell 'em about all my festivals."
- Sabbath, which hopefully by now we already know about;
- Passover, Matzo Festival
- Offering of the Firstfruits (bring your first sheaf of grain to the priest to have it given to God)
- Festival of Weeks (bring more grain to God after a while)
- Festival of Trumpets (present a food offering to God whilst trumpets blast about)
- Day of Atonement (fast, give God more food, don't work, anyone who doesn't fast on this day is cut off from Israel, etc.)
- Festival of Tabernacles (look, if you wanna read more about these, just hit it up in the real Lev. 23).
 |
| Boy, the Israelites sure knew how to party!!! |
---
God kept right on talkin' to Moses.
"Your brother, Aaron, is to tend to the candles around the Ark of the Covenant like srsly, all the tiemz. He'll hole himself up in there with the Ark and rumors will spread and abound because he'll be the flamer of the candles."
 |
| teehee. "Flamer." |
---
Also in this chapter, for whatever reason, is the following lovely story.
An Israelite mother named Shelomith married and bumped uglies with an Egyptian dude whose name is not mentioned and they had a son, whose name is also not mentioned, but ultimately the son is the main character here, so I'ma give him a name.
Let's call him Lester.
One day, Lester was stumbling around after too much wine or something and stubbed his toe on a fossilized Matzo. "GOD DAMMIT," Lester did say.
Lester went to jail while Moses waited for God to figure out what to do with him.
God said:
 |
| "He asked me to damn a fossilized Matzo? THAT'S A BLUDGEONIN'!!!" |
Moses told this to the Israelites and they all stoned Lester's ass, failing to ask whether they all needed to be killed now too since they all took part in Lester's holy murder.
Thus was born Diffusion of Responsibility--"maybe it was YOUR rock that killed him; we'll never know."
 |
| Goodbye, Lester. You were a good dude whose fate was sealed by a fossilized Matzo. It coulda happened to anyone. |
---
"Once every seven years, for a full year, leave the land alone," God said to Moses. "Eat whatever the land provides, by all means, but don't manipulate it. Give it a rest. It gets a sabbath year."
"Cool," said Moses. "I likes my land au naturel."
"Every fifty years you'll all have a Year of Jubilee which Matt's readers can read about here 'cause he's getting the Lazy Writer's bug. What a sloth."
INTERESTING STUFF IN THE CHAPTER
- v.14: "Don't rip off your homies."
- v.23: "The land is on lease, because it's MINE."
- v.39-46: "If any of your fellow Israelites become desperate enough to sell themselves to you, don't make 'em your slaves. They are hired workers and are to be released on the Year of Jubilee. The Israelites were slaves in Egypt and I redeemed them; they must never be slaves again. Feel free to buy slaves from other countries and from temporary residents living among you, and even to bequeath them to your progeny."
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