Leviticus 19 | A List of Random And Sometimes Repeated Commands

God told Moses to tell all of Israel this stuff:

- be holy because I'm holy;
- respect y'all's mammies n' pappies and observe the sabbaths 'cause I'm God;
- no idolatry, 'cause I'm God;
- when you sacrifice something, make sure you don't eat it after two days since you killed it.  Anything left after that's impure meat and won't be accepted, not to mention pretty gross;
- don't be all stingy with your fields and crops, but save some of the dregs of them for the poor and for foreigners;
- don't steal;
- don't lie;
- don't deceive one another (I know I said "don't lie," but y'know, it's important);
- don't say "god damn;"

When someone tries to god-damn you, you try to god-damn them right back.

- don't rob your neighbor;
- don't hold back wages for an employee overnight;
- don't curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, ya buncha dicks;
- show no partiality in matters of justice and judge fairly;
- don't go throwin' shade on your homies all about town, 'cause slander sucks;
- don't put your neighbor's life in danger;
- no Hebrew-Hatin'--if you got a problem with a fellow Israelite, you come out an' say it;
- love everyone as you love yourself, and bear no grudges and harbor no pissedoffedness at people;
- abide by all my rules;
- don't get all molesty with animals;
- grow only one kind of seed in your field for whatever reason;
- do not mix fabrics in your clothing;
- if a man gets it on with a female slave promised to another man who's not been given her freedom, they are to be punished, but not put to death ('cause she's still not free)--the man must bring a ram to the Tentmoot for a guilt offering and the woman, I dunno, whatevs, nobody cares about women, this is the Old Testament, why are you badgering me about women;

Above: God's stance on women.  It was either this or The Little Rascals and their He-Man Woman-Haters Club.

- fruit from new trees aren't to be eaten for three years, and the yield of the fourth year is all mine--you can start nommin' the fruit from the tree after five years;

Pictured: the love and mercy of God, and also art I recycled from Genesis 'cause today's been kinda busy so far and I wanna actually publish a new chapter today.

- don't nom on any meat with blood still in it;
- don't practice divination;
- don't cut your sideburns or the edges of your beards;

This is Marco Hietala, bassist and male vocalist of Finnish operatic metal band Nightwish, and quite obviously a godly gentleman.

This beard-shaving infidel is Ray Comfort, evangelical Christian and creationist, known for using bananas that have been genetically modified by humans to attempt to validate his extraordinarily stupid interpretation of supernatural creationism.

- don't cut your bodies for dead folks or tattoo yourselves;
- don't turn your daughter out as a prostitute or the land will turn to prostitution and be all wicked;
- observe my sabbaths (again) and revere the Tentmoot;
- don't consult oracles or mediums, 'cause some of 'em are just pompous douchebags like John Edward;

"Hi!  I'm here to take your money and make you think I can talk to dead people you loved while they were alive about whether or not they've seen where you put your sentimental wristwatch.  NOTE:  It's not where Christopher Walken said it was in Pulp Fiction."

- stand up when old people are about so they can see you better and respect them;
- when a foreigner lives with you all in your land, treat him or her well--treat the foreigner, in fact, as your native-born, because you are to love them as you love yourself, having yourselves been foreigners in Egypt;
- be honest in your measurements for length, weight, quantity, etc.
- keep all my decrees (yes, yes, I know I said it, but it bears repeating).