Leviticus 18 | U No Can Haz Manly Buttsecks
God continued to tell Moses to tell people stuff.
"I'm your god. So don't act like the folks in Egypt or in Canaan. Obey my rules because, well... because I said so. You will find your lives enriched by obeying my rules."
The following may or may not be embellished a wee bit. But it's my version and gorrammit, I'ma have some fun with it.
"Moses," he said, patting a vacant seat on a park bench next to him, "siddown. Lemme tell you 'bout somethin' so's you can tell the other folks about it."
Moses obeyed in order to find his life enriched.
"Did I ever tell you about... well... about...... I mean, have you ever, maybe, like...... a few times, y'know... YOU knoooow... like, had a time in, like, math class, when you... when you..."
God sighed and let a few seconds pass.
"...when you didn't want to stand up in class when your name was called? When you couldn't leave your desk because of your netherparts wakin' up? Because you were afraid the other kids would notice a little somethin', like... you know...... a little somethin' down in your groin area there? Like, a little somethin' down in your trouserparts?"
Moses looked terrified, but quickly spurted out: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT PLEASE CONTINUE SO WE CAN GET THIS OVERWITH."
God then laid down the following laws:
DON'T HAVE SEX WITH:
- a close relative;
- your mom, for this violates your father (I feel I should note here that while it also in the overwhelming majority of cases violates the mother, the fact that it violates the mother is not present);
- any of your father's wives, for it violates your father;
- your sister or half-sister;
- your granddaughter (noted: "for this would violate yourself," again, with no care given to how it would violate the female in question);
- your stepsister, the daughter of any of your father's wives, 'cause I mean come ON, man, that's your SISTER;
- your father's sister, for she's his close relative;
- your mother's sister, for she's her close relative;
- the wife of your father's brother, for she is your aunt;
- your daughter-in-law;
- a woman and her daughter simultaneously. Also don't marry her granddaughter and have sex with her; they are close relatives;
- your wife's sister unless your wife is dead--you don't want them to be rivals, right?;
- a woman on her period;
- your neighbor's wife;
- another dude in the butt;
- an animal (and, presumably, an animal in the butt too).
At that last bit, God put his head in his hands and cried a little, because no matter how he tried, Tom Green's birth was a fixed point in time and could not be changed.
God continued.
"I'm telling you all this because it's messed up and the Canaanites are doin' all of it. Since they're all doin' all of it, I'm punishing the people who live there; basically I'm going to make the land puke them out. Oh, and also on the no-idolatry front--don't offer your children in the fire to Moloch. Tell 'em to lay off the Floo Powder."
"I'm your god. So don't act like the folks in Egypt or in Canaan. Obey my rules because, well... because I said so. You will find your lives enriched by obeying my rules."
The following may or may not be embellished a wee bit. But it's my version and gorrammit, I'ma have some fun with it.
"Moses," he said, patting a vacant seat on a park bench next to him, "siddown. Lemme tell you 'bout somethin' so's you can tell the other folks about it."
Moses obeyed in order to find his life enriched.
"Did I ever tell you about... well... about...... I mean, have you ever, maybe, like...... a few times, y'know... YOU knoooow... like, had a time in, like, math class, when you... when you..."
God sighed and let a few seconds pass.
"...when you didn't want to stand up in class when your name was called? When you couldn't leave your desk because of your netherparts wakin' up? Because you were afraid the other kids would notice a little somethin', like... you know...... a little somethin' down in your groin area there? Like, a little somethin' down in your trouserparts?"
Moses looked terrified, but quickly spurted out: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT PLEASE CONTINUE SO WE CAN GET THIS OVERWITH."
 |
| ...see? Toldja he said it. |
DON'T HAVE SEX WITH:
- a close relative;
- your mom, for this violates your father (I feel I should note here that while it also in the overwhelming majority of cases violates the mother, the fact that it violates the mother is not present);
- any of your father's wives, for it violates your father;
- your sister or half-sister;
- your granddaughter (noted: "for this would violate yourself," again, with no care given to how it would violate the female in question);
- your stepsister, the daughter of any of your father's wives, 'cause I mean come ON, man, that's your SISTER;
- your father's sister, for she's his close relative;
- your mother's sister, for she's her close relative;
- the wife of your father's brother, for she is your aunt;
- your daughter-in-law;
- a woman and her daughter simultaneously. Also don't marry her granddaughter and have sex with her; they are close relatives;
- your wife's sister unless your wife is dead--you don't want them to be rivals, right?;
- a woman on her period;
- your neighbor's wife;
- another dude in the butt;
 |
| I've researched the crap out of 18:22, and ultimately the best I can really get is "native Israelites no can haz buttsecks with other dudes, like you apparently do with your womenfolk." The link goes to Wikipedia, because I'm doing this thing from the perspective of The Everyman as opposed to The Scholar. |
At that last bit, God put his head in his hands and cried a little, because no matter how he tried, Tom Green's birth was a fixed point in time and could not be changed.
 |
| "Was the '30 Minutes Or It's Free' also a fixed point in time?" And yes, my plan is to use this image as often as I can because I am rather proud of it. |
"I'm telling you all this because it's messed up and the Canaanites are doin' all of it. Since they're all doin' all of it, I'm punishing the people who live there; basically I'm going to make the land puke them out. Oh, and also on the no-idolatry front--don't offer your children in the fire to Moloch. Tell 'em to lay off the Floo Powder."
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