Leviticus 16 | Scapegoatin'

Remember Aaron's two crispy sons?  The ones who died after they burned the wrong kind of incense?

Well, right after that, God told Moses to tell Aaron not to enter the Most Holy Place behind the inner curtain whenever he chooses, or--

"--or he'll die, right?" said Moses.

"Yep.  The Ark's cover--the place of atonement--is there and I am present in the clouds there and no mortal can withstand my awesome presence."

Aaron's instructions for entering the sanctuary area were as follows, and from these instructions Aaron must never deviate:

1.  Bull for a sin offering and a ram for a burnt offering;

"Not that kind of ram, you fool!  ...16GB, you say?  Well...  I'll consider it..."

2.  Don the linen tunic and undies;
3.  Bathe in water, then tie the linen sash around waist and behat the cranium with a linen turban;
4.  2 male goats for another sin offering and another ram for another burnt offering;
5.  Aaron must present his own bull as a sin offering to get him and his family on the up-and-up with the LAWD;
6a.  Aaron must take the two male goats and present them at the Tentmoot threshold and cast sacred lots to determine which will be reserved as an offering to the LAWD and which will carry the sins of the people to the wilderness of Azazel;
6b.  The short-strawed goat is to be slaughtered as a sin offering and the other goat will be kept alive standing before God;
6c.  When the scapegoat is sent away to Azazel the people will be purified and made right with God;
7.  Aaron apparently must present his own bull again as yet another sin offering to purify himself and his family;
8.  Aaron must then fill an incense burner with burning coals from the altar standing in front o' God;
9.  He will then carry the incense behind the inner curtain;

I'm not even going to bother with a real caption here, but I dare you to tell me you weren't thinking the same thing.

10.  I'm done detailing all this crap.  If you want to read it (or if you're having trouble going to sleep at night and NyQuil isn't helping), go here.

At some point in this mess of excruciatingly detailed instruction and animal slaughter, they pick a dude to drive the scapegoat out into the wilderness of Azazel.

"You say 'ritual scapegoating,' I say 'free food.'  I ain't 'bove eatin' no sin.  Et me some fresh adultery th' other night.  Tasted like possum.  Ain't skeered no way."

"The dude chosen to drive the scapegoat into the wilderness," God continued, "must wash his clothes and bathe himself in water before he may return to camp."

Yep.  Sorry, on-the-fly redneck with an art style somewhat inspired by The Oatmeal.  You'll have to find some other way to nom on sinful goats.

"This one day in autumn, by the way, y'all gotta fast.  All of you.  Permanent law, down the generations, etc.  Get to animal murderin'."