Leviticus 15 | Precious Bodily Fluids
"A man who has like a weird bodily discharge is ceremonially unclean," God said to Moses. "The nastiness is caused by the discharge, whether it stops or just keeps goin'. Either way, that's nasty." God went on like this for a while, so here's a list of other stuff that's unclean because of Discharge Man:
- any bed Discharge Man sits, lies, farts, or jumps on or in any touches;
- anyone who touches such a bed;
- anywhere Discharge Man sat;
- Discharge Man's secret power: his spit;
- anyone who comes in contact with Discharge Man's Super Nasty Spit;
- any saddle blankets Discharge Man rides on (though if the camel lay still the defilement is open to interpretation it seems);
- anything physically below Discharge Man;
- just... everything about Discharge Man. Leave Discharge Man the hell alone.
There's the customary temporary ostracizing process, wherein after Discharge Man loses his powers again and becomes a Standard Bloke, he has to count off seven days for purification. The animal slaughtering for the LAWD is two pigeons or turtledoves again.
"More about discharges," said God, "and they're gonna be a bit creative this go around."
- When a dude spills his dudely seed, he must bathe his entire body in water after which point he's ceremonially unclean 'til the next evening.
- Any clothing or leather with the crispy manseed sprinkled thereabouts must be washed in water and it will also remain ceremonially unclean 'til the next evening.
- After a man and a woman make sweet sweet love, they both have to bathe their entire bodies in water and will be ceremonially unclean until the next evening.
- Aunt Irma's visit means a woman is ceremonially unclean for seven days. Anyone touching the woman during that time will be unclean until evening.
- No touching the woman's bed or anything she touches. Wash in water, unclean 'til evening, etc.
- Dudes makin' sweet sweet love to ladies during Aunt Irma's visit will, if the menstrual blood touches him, have the menstrual defilement transferred to him, and he's stuck with the same unclean sentence as the woman--seven days, pigeons or turtledoves, and he's gotta be careful not to get his blood on anyone's junk if they have sex with him or the thing just keeps going.
"How did you come up with all this stuff?" Moses might have asked if Moses were me.
"Just wait a few thousand years 'til you guys learn about germs n' stuff," God maybe would've replied. "Germs give me the jibblies."
Then he would've moved on from this horrbile transition of writ into saying that after a woman's period--which happens once a month--she has to have a couple pigeons or turtledoves slaughtered for purification.
"If a woman is bleedin' all willy-nilly and it's unrelated to her period OR if her bleeding from her period continues beyond the normal week, she's unclean. She's unclean as long as the blood continues," God said. He then reiterated the part about bathing and unclean until evening and all that as though this desert through which they were meandering was just chock full of water or sizeable boulders Moses could thwack with a stick.
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"I AM THE TERROR THAT FAPS IN THE NIGHT! I AM... DISCHARGE MAN!!!" |
- anyone who touches such a bed;
- anywhere Discharge Man sat;
- Discharge Man's secret power: his spit;
- anyone who comes in contact with Discharge Man's Super Nasty Spit;
- any saddle blankets Discharge Man rides on (though if the camel lay still the defilement is open to interpretation it seems);
- anything physically below Discharge Man;
- just... everything about Discharge Man. Leave Discharge Man the hell alone.
There's the customary temporary ostracizing process, wherein after Discharge Man loses his powers again and becomes a Standard Bloke, he has to count off seven days for purification. The animal slaughtering for the LAWD is two pigeons or turtledoves again.
"More about discharges," said God, "and they're gonna be a bit creative this go around."
- When a dude spills his dudely seed, he must bathe his entire body in water after which point he's ceremonially unclean 'til the next evening.
- Any clothing or leather with the crispy manseed sprinkled thereabouts must be washed in water and it will also remain ceremonially unclean 'til the next evening.
- After a man and a woman make sweet sweet love, they both have to bathe their entire bodies in water and will be ceremonially unclean until the next evening.
- Aunt Irma's visit means a woman is ceremonially unclean for seven days. Anyone touching the woman during that time will be unclean until evening.
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Most of us, however, know automatically not to screw with women when they're on their periods and do not require a deity to tell us. |
- Dudes makin' sweet sweet love to ladies during Aunt Irma's visit will, if the menstrual blood touches him, have the menstrual defilement transferred to him, and he's stuck with the same unclean sentence as the woman--seven days, pigeons or turtledoves, and he's gotta be careful not to get his blood on anyone's junk if they have sex with him or the thing just keeps going.
"How did you come up with all this stuff?" Moses might have asked if Moses were me.
"Just wait a few thousand years 'til you guys learn about germs n' stuff," God maybe would've replied. "Germs give me the jibblies."
Then he would've moved on from this horrbile transition of writ into saying that after a woman's period--which happens once a month--she has to have a couple pigeons or turtledoves slaughtered for purification.
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"You sure, Moses? Wow. Okay. Every woman, you say? Every month, you say? And how many women are among us? ...I see. Well, I'd better get to work, then." |
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