Leviticus 1 | The First Purely Metal Chapter of the Bible
God called out to Moses from the Tentmoot and gave him instructions for the Israelites.
"Tell 'em," God said, "that it's totally cool if their offering animals come from their herds or flocks. If it's a burnt offering from a cattle herd, it has to be a male with no defects. Bring it to the entrance of the Tentmoot, put your hand on its head, and I'll accept its death in place of your own so we can be tight again. Then slaughter the young bull and splash its blood around, skin the animal, and chop it into bits. Aaron's sons will build a wood fire on the altar and arrange pieces of the offering on it, but the internal organs and legs have to be first washed with water. Then the priest will burn the entire sacrifice on the altar. It's a special gift, 'cause I dig the smell of burning baby bull."
"Got it," said Moses.
"If it's from a flock," God continued, "it's fine if it's a sheep or a goat, but again, it has to be a male with no defects. Slaughter it on the north side of the altar in front of me and Aaron's sons--the priests--will splatter the blood all around the altar. Then cut the offering into bits and the priests will arrange it, yadda yadda, but the organs and legs gotta be washed first. I also dig the smell of burning baby animals that make bleating noises."
"If you decide you want to bring me a bird," God said, "choose a turtledove or a young pigeon. Then Ozzy the priest will bring it to the altar, wring off its head, and burn it on the altar, but first he has to drain its blood against the side of the altar."
"He must remove the crop and feathers and throw them in the ashes near the altar. Then the priest will tear the bird open--without tearing it apart--by grasping its wings, kind of like a sick wishbone type thing. Then he'll burn it as an offering on the wood burning on the altar. I dig the smell of burning baby bird."
"Tell 'em," God said, "that it's totally cool if their offering animals come from their herds or flocks. If it's a burnt offering from a cattle herd, it has to be a male with no defects. Bring it to the entrance of the Tentmoot, put your hand on its head, and I'll accept its death in place of your own so we can be tight again. Then slaughter the young bull and splash its blood around, skin the animal, and chop it into bits. Aaron's sons will build a wood fire on the altar and arrange pieces of the offering on it, but the internal organs and legs have to be first washed with water. Then the priest will burn the entire sacrifice on the altar. It's a special gift, 'cause I dig the smell of burning baby bull."
"Got it," said Moses.
"If it's from a flock," God continued, "it's fine if it's a sheep or a goat, but again, it has to be a male with no defects. Slaughter it on the north side of the altar in front of me and Aaron's sons--the priests--will splatter the blood all around the altar. Then cut the offering into bits and the priests will arrange it, yadda yadda, but the organs and legs gotta be washed first. I also dig the smell of burning baby animals that make bleating noises."
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| "It was a dismemberin', blood-splashin', LORD-worshipin' good time," Atki Me'p of the Rolling Stone reported today. "The song about cutting off the end of your wang was brutal," he added, with a pained expression. |
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| "Well, damn. I'm never gonna get that dove blood out of my pants." |
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