Exodus 9 | Non-Zombie Cattle Party in Goshen
"All right, Moses," bellowed the LAWD, "go to Pharaoh and tell him if he refuses again to let the people go, I'll plague all of the livestock of Egypt--horses, donkeys, camels, cattle, sheep, goats, the lot of 'em--but I'll leave the livestock of the Israelites alone. I'll do all this tomorrow."
The next day all of the Egyptian livestock died. The Israelite livestock had a party in Goshen. Pharaoh still wouldn't let the people go.
"Fine," said God, "time for the good stuff. Moses, listen up--I want you to take some ash from a furnace and throw it in the air. It'll become a fine dust over the entire country and all the people and animals will be riddled with disgusting pus-filled boils."
"Ooh," said a deadpan Moses, "I can't wait." So Moses threw furnace ash in the air in front of Pharaoh and everyone broke out in boils. Pharaoh's magicians couldn't make it to the magical pissing contest this time because they were covered in very painful boils, but Pharaoh still wouldn't let the Israelites go.
So God told Moses to talk to Pharaoh early in the morning again. "Tell him if he doesn't let the Israelites go, I will lay down the entire full force of the Divine Smackdown. Tell him that I said 'by now I could've taken the Egyptians off the face of the planet. But I've shown you all this for a purpose: so that you can see my power and let it be known throughout the world. You're still not letting my people go, I see. This time tomorrow, then, I will send the worst hailstorm that's ever fallen on Egypt. Ever. Give an order now to bring your livestock--'"
"The livestock were already killed before," interrupted Moses.
"Right. Well, Matt's gotta put it here, 'cause it's in the actual Bible."
"But they're dead."
"Moses, dude, you're breaking the fourth wall again."
"Sorry, my bad," said Moses.
"Moving on. Give an order now to bring all the animals of the field inside, because the hail will fall on absolutely every person and beast outside and kill them."
Those who took the LAWD at his word brought their homies and their animals in. Those who ignored the LAWD left their slaves and zombie livestock in the field.
Moses stretched his staff toward the sky and the LAWD sent torrents of hail, lightning, and thunder to Egypt. It was the worst storm ever, according to Egyptian recordkeepers of storms.
Oh, and everything outside died. It did not hail in Goshen, where the non-zombie Israelite livestock continued on their livestock party.
Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said "my bad. I'll let y'all go. Please ask the LAWD to let up."
Moses replied, "When I've left the city, I'll pray and the storm will end so you'll know the earth belongs to God. I know that you and your officials still do not fear God, though."
Moses went out of the city, prayed, and watched the storm go byebye. Pharaoh then decided once again, "nah, not gonna let the Israelites out."
The next day all of the Egyptian livestock died. The Israelite livestock had a party in Goshen. Pharaoh still wouldn't let the people go.
"Fine," said God, "time for the good stuff. Moses, listen up--I want you to take some ash from a furnace and throw it in the air. It'll become a fine dust over the entire country and all the people and animals will be riddled with disgusting pus-filled boils."
"Ooh," said a deadpan Moses, "I can't wait." So Moses threw furnace ash in the air in front of Pharaoh and everyone broke out in boils. Pharaoh's magicians couldn't make it to the magical pissing contest this time because they were covered in very painful boils, but Pharaoh still wouldn't let the Israelites go.
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| TROLL LEVEL: Moses |
"The livestock were already killed before," interrupted Moses.
"Right. Well, Matt's gotta put it here, 'cause it's in the actual Bible."
"But they're dead."
"Moses, dude, you're breaking the fourth wall again."
"Sorry, my bad," said Moses.
"Moving on. Give an order now to bring all the animals of the field inside, because the hail will fall on absolutely every person and beast outside and kill them."
Those who took the LAWD at his word brought their homies and their animals in. Those who ignored the LAWD left their slaves and zombie livestock in the field.
Moses stretched his staff toward the sky and the LAWD sent torrents of hail, lightning, and thunder to Egypt. It was the worst storm ever, according to Egyptian recordkeepers of storms.
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| "As you can plainly see, that last one was quite the hootenanny." |
Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said "my bad. I'll let y'all go. Please ask the LAWD to let up."
Moses replied, "When I've left the city, I'll pray and the storm will end so you'll know the earth belongs to God. I know that you and your officials still do not fear God, though."
Moses went out of the city, prayed, and watched the storm go byebye. Pharaoh then decided once again, "nah, not gonna let the Israelites out."
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