Exodus 8 | Froggy Hell

"Tell Pharaoh," said God to Moses, "that he is to either let the Israelites go or I'll send a plague of frogs on the whole country.  They'll overrun the Nile and enter Pharaoh's nasty, nasty bedchambers and go into the houses of errabody and get all up in their business."

So Moses told Pharaoh this.

I'd like to reflect once again that Moses and Aaron were very old at this time and so Pharaoh was perfectly justified to think, as he probably did, that they were simply going a wee bit fuzzy in the brainpan.  Nevertheless, Aaron stretched his hand over the waters of Egypt, said "Abracadabra," and brought forth amphibious pestilence in probably the absolute least happy place for a frog (or, y'know, most things) to exist--Egypt.  While Pharaoh's magicians did the same thing, it still didn't serve to fix the problem that there were quadrillions of frogs everywhere.

"You think THIS is Hell, Sam?  Wait'll we get to Pharaoh's nasty, nasty bedchambers."

Pharaoh asked Moses and Aaron to pray to God to have the frogs taken away.  "If they're taken away, I'll let the Israelites go."

"When shall I be allowed to pray?  Frogs will, of course, remain in the Nile," replied Moses, pushing glasses up on the bridge of his nose and reviewing a papyrus contract.

"Tomorrow."

"All right.  Will do.  Tomorrow, our amphibious friends will only exist in the Nile."

So the next day, God did as he was asked.  The frogs died in the houses, fields, ovens, pyramids, slave quarters, probably the skies (like they do), etc.  There were huge heaping piles of dead, decaying frogs everywhere.

Egypt smelled like Jack Black's basement, but when Pharaoh saw that God had let up on the froggy plague, he simply said "cool," and refused to let the Hebrews out.

"Fine," said God.  "It's all, uh...  this is, hm.  Yeah, it's according to plan.  Look, uh... tell Aaron to hit the ground with the staff.  The dust will become gnats."

So Aaron did and the gnats were everywhere.  They were on the goats, sheep, people, dead frogs, hats, houses, pets, they were just all up ons.

All up ons.  Like the ladies, eh, Strong Bad?  (Check out http://www.homestarrunner.com/.  Image used without permission but still in the hopes that the Brothers Chaps don't like, sue me or anything.)

This time, Pharaoh's magicians couldn't replicate the miracle/sign/trick/plague.  The magicians told Pharaoh, "This is definitely the work of God."  But Pharaoh stuck to his guns and didn't let the Israelites out.

"Alllllllllllll-righty, then," said Jim Carrey as God Standard Judeo-Christian God to Moses, "get up early in the morning and talk to Pharaoh when he goes to the river.  Tell him if he doesn't let the Israelites go, I'll send swarms of flies on him and his officials, on the Egyptians and in their houses.  However, no flies will hit Goshen, where the Israelites live."

Incredible numbers of flies swarmed into the palace, into the officials' houses, all over Egypt.  Flying former maggots clustered in the billions to nom upon whatever they could find.

Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and finally said "Make your sacrifice to your God, but do it here in Egypt."

"No," said Moses, "the sacrifices we offer the LORD will make the Egyptians hate us to the point of killing us.  We have to take a three-day journey into the wilderness as commanded by said God."

"Fine," Pharaoh said, "go.  But don't go far.  Pray for me."

"As soon as I leave," Moses replied, "I'll pray to God, and tomorrow the flies will leave.  And don't think we forgot about how you lied last time after the gnats."

And again, Moses prayed to get rid of the flies, God obliged, and Pharaoh took back his permission for leave.