Exodus 7 | ERMAGERD, BLERD
"What I did, see," the LORD said to Moses, "is make you like God to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron is like your prophet. You say what I tell you to say, Aaron tells Pharaoh to let the Israelites go."
"Okay, sounds good," said Moses, "except so far it's not really working in our favor, if you hadn't noticed."
"I've not gotten to the best part yet," said God. "I'm going to make sure that even though you and Aaron will do a bunch of trippy miracles, Pharaoh's not going to let you go. I'm going to harden his heart, so to speak, to ensure he doesn't listen to you."
"In what sense," asked Moses, "is that the best part?"
"Thereafter, I shall bring the Divine Smackdown on Egypt and bring the Israelites out. Go ye forth or somethin' and talk to Pharaoh."
Moses was 80 and Aaron was 83 when they talked to Pharaoh. Apparently that is an important detail here for some reason.
"When Pharaoh tells you to perform a miracle, do the staff/snake thingy," said God to Moses and Aaron.
Accordingly, Pharaoh asked for a miracle, so Aaron threw his staff down in front of Pharaoh and his officials and it became a snake. Pharaoh then smugly commanded his sorcerers to do the same thing, offering to Aaron a shrug of the shoulders and an ancient Egyptian "bish, pleeeeeeeeease," and each of their staves (the plural of "staff" truly bothers me, but it is, alas, "staves" rather than "staffs" or something remotely sensible) became snakes. Aaron's snakestaff nommed upon the snakestaves of the Egyptian sorcerers, but just as the LORD said, Pharaoh didn't listen.
"Well," said God, "no worries. Go to Pharaoh in the morning as he goes out to the river. Bring that staff and tell him 'The LORD demands you let his people go. By this sign you'll know I am the LORD: I'ma change the Nile to blood. The fish in the Nile will die and the river will smell of the malodorous fetid stench of fishy decay. I dare you to drink the water.'"
God continued his bloodlust rampage. "Tell Aaron to take his staff and stretch his hand over the waters of Egypt--the streams, canals, pisspots, faucets, spigots, taps, etc.--and all the water in Egypt will turn to blood. He can say 'abracadabra' if he wants to as well."
So Moses and Aaron did what God commanded. Fishy doom and decay and nastification did abound in those days, oh yes. Blood was everywhere in Egypt. Well, y'know--more so than usual.
Apparently, according to the Bible, the Egyptian sorcerers managed to do the same thing with their magical arts (which by this time meant they turned blood into blood? I guess?) and so Pharaoh wouldn't listen to Moses and Aaron.
A week passed.
"Okay, sounds good," said Moses, "except so far it's not really working in our favor, if you hadn't noticed."
"I've not gotten to the best part yet," said God. "I'm going to make sure that even though you and Aaron will do a bunch of trippy miracles, Pharaoh's not going to let you go. I'm going to harden his heart, so to speak, to ensure he doesn't listen to you."
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| It was VERY tempting to put Nathan Explosion back in right around here. |
"Thereafter, I shall bring the Divine Smackdown on Egypt and bring the Israelites out. Go ye forth or somethin' and talk to Pharaoh."
Moses was 80 and Aaron was 83 when they talked to Pharaoh. Apparently that is an important detail here for some reason.
"When Pharaoh tells you to perform a miracle, do the staff/snake thingy," said God to Moses and Aaron.
Accordingly, Pharaoh asked for a miracle, so Aaron threw his staff down in front of Pharaoh and his officials and it became a snake. Pharaoh then smugly commanded his sorcerers to do the same thing, offering to Aaron a shrug of the shoulders and an ancient Egyptian "bish, pleeeeeeeeease," and each of their staves (the plural of "staff" truly bothers me, but it is, alas, "staves" rather than "staffs" or something remotely sensible) became snakes. Aaron's snakestaff nommed upon the snakestaves of the Egyptian sorcerers, but just as the LORD said, Pharaoh didn't listen.
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| MMMMMM MAGICAL SERPENTY CANNIBALISM omnomnomnom |
God continued his bloodlust rampage. "Tell Aaron to take his staff and stretch his hand over the waters of Egypt--the streams, canals, pisspots, faucets, spigots, taps, etc.--and all the water in Egypt will turn to blood. He can say 'abracadabra' if he wants to as well."
So Moses and Aaron did what God commanded. Fishy doom and decay and nastification did abound in those days, oh yes. Blood was everywhere in Egypt. Well, y'know--more so than usual.
Apparently, according to the Bible, the Egyptian sorcerers managed to do the same thing with their magical arts (which by this time meant they turned blood into blood? I guess?) and so Pharaoh wouldn't listen to Moses and Aaron.
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| It's been a busy morning. I'm glad for copy and paste in Inkscape. Humor me and chuckle anyway, wouldja? Thanks. |
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