Exodus 4 | Moses Copperfield

"What if they don't believe me and they're all like, 'The LORD did not send you'?" asked Moses.

Then the Gollum LORD said to him, "What's that in your pocketses?" "Whatcha holdin' there in your hand?"

"A staff," Moses replied.

"Throw it on the ground."

Moses threw the staff on the ground and it became a snake, furthering his earlier question of whether or not he managed to accidentally drop acid.  He ran from it (y'know, 'cause it was a freakin' snake) and the Godbush told him to grab it by the tail.

Immediately devoid of his previous caution, Moses grabbed the snake by the tail and found he was once again holding a staff.

"Show 'em this and they should believe you.  But hey, check this one out," Godbush continued.  "Put your hand inside your cloak."

So Moses put his hand inside his cloak.  When he took it out, he found it had gained leprosy.

"Put it back in now and take it out."  Moses did so and his hand returned to normal.

Godbush was a Hufflepuff.

 "Good stuff, huh?" said God.  "You should see the kinda stuff my kid can do with water!  He's not bad with bread and fish either.  Anyway, if they don't believe you or pay attention to the snake/staff thing, they might go for the leprous hand one.   If they don't believe you, though, pour some water from the Nile on the ground.  The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground.  I hope I remember to tell people not to do anything like this when Puritanical New England comes around..."

Confused, but duly in awe, Moses said "Pardon me, your servant, Lord.  I've never been eloquent.  I'm not good with words and..." Moses continued on about his insecurities at length.

Godbush replied, "Who gave humans their mouths?  Who makes 'em deaf or mute?  Who gives them sight or makes them blind?  ME!  Now go.  I'll help you do the talking."

"Sorry, God," said Moses, "but can't you send someone else?"

The Godbush flared up really high to indicate that it had become divinely pissed off.  "What about your brother Aaron?  He's on his way to meet you and he's pretty good with words.  I'll help you both out.  I'll speak TO Aaron THROUGH you, mmkay?  Oh, and here--take this magic wand staff for help with performing the signs.  Is that enough handholding or do you need me to show you how to pull up your Huggies, too?"

The Bible.  Metal.

Moses went home and told Jethro he was going to Egypt to see if any of his people were still alive.  God had already given Moses the green light, as the people who wanted to kill Moses were all themselves quite assuredly dead and should only become a bother in the event of a zombie apocalypse or Rapture, neither of which had been planned quite yet.

Moses loaded his Godbush-bestowed staff, wife, and sons on a donkey and they headed to Egypt.

The LORD told Moses to make sure he does the miracles in front of Pharaoh, adding the detail that he would make Pharaoh a jerk so he would still not let the people go.  "Then," said God, "tell Pharaoh: 'This is the word of the LORD: Israel is my firstborn son and I asked you to let my son go.  You refused to let him go, so I will kill your firstborn son.'"

Anyway, they stopped at an inn on the way and God showed up and sought to kill Moses.  Zipporah immediately lopped the foreskin off her younger son's winky and touched Moses' feet with it for some reason.  So God refrained from killing Moses and ran off to tell Aaron to meet Moses.

Aaron and Moses met at the Mountain of God, where Moses told his brother about all that went down.  They then met with the elders of the Israelites and Aaron told them everything God told Moses ('cause Moses was a huge wuss).  Miracles were performed, elders believed, and when they heard that the LORD was working on freeing them, they bowed and worshiped.