Exodus 34 | Shinyface
"Well, now you've gone and done it," said God to Moses. "You smashed the tablets. Chisel out two more and I'll rewrite that stuff. In the morning, climb Mount Sinai. Nobody--humans, herds, etc.--are to be anywhere near the mountain when you come up."
Moses did as he was asked and brought the tablets up the mountain.
God then came down in a cloud and said:
"I'm Yahweh! I'm the god of compassion and mercy! I'm slow to anger and filled with unfailing love! I freely give love to a thousand generations! I forgive sin but I do not excuse the guilty. I punish generations of people for the sins of their ancestors, into the 3rd and 4th generations after the sins are committed."
Moses threw himself at the ground and asked that God travel with the Israelites.
God promised to show Moses a bunch of awesome miracles in front of all the people.
"Furthermore," he said, "the god of compassion and mercy will go before you and drive out all the folks who live in the land I promised you guys. Be very careful never to make a treaty with the people who live in the land where you're going because that will lead to compromise and you'll be sucked into wickedness. You have to break down their pagan altars, destroy their houses of worship, and cut down their Asherah poles. I am the only god you are to worship."
"Sounds legit," said Moses, to whom such things sounded legit.
"These people will invite you to join them in their sacrificial meals and you will go with them. You will accept their daughters as wives for your sons. They will trick your sons into worshiping their gods! Do NOT make any gods out of molten metal!"
"Are you still on about that?!" said Moses. "That was just last week, and we killed off 3,000 of our merry band, just like you asked."
God laid out a bunch of declarations:
- You must celebrate the Matzo Festival.
- The firstborn of every animal is to be consecrated to me.
- Nobody may appear before me without an offering.
- Rest every seventh day.
- Celebrate the Festival of the Harvest and the Festival of the Final Harvest.
- I'm allergic to yeast. Leave it out of blood offerings to me.
- Do not keep any of the meat from Passover sacrifices overnight.
- While you harvest your crops, bring the very best of the first harvest to me.
- Don't cook a baby goat in its mother's milk.
"Write all this crap down, Moses," said God, forgetting all this stuff had been included before.
Moses again stayed on the mountain with God for forty days and forty nights. He nommed no bread and glugged no water and somehow did not die.
When Moses came down Mount Sinai carrying the stone tablets, he didn't know that his face was all shiny 'cause he had spoken with God, so Aaron and the Israelites were afraid to come near him.
Shinyface Moses talked with everyone and told them about the laws again. When he finished speaking, he covered his face with a veil, but any time he went to the Tentmoot to chillax with the LORD, he removed the veil until he came back out. When he came out, he relayed God's newest commandments to them, and they'd see his glowing face and freak out, so he'd cover it with a veil again.
Moses did as he was asked and brought the tablets up the mountain.
God then came down in a cloud and said:
"I'm Yahweh! I'm the god of compassion and mercy! I'm slow to anger and filled with unfailing love! I freely give love to a thousand generations! I forgive sin but I do not excuse the guilty. I punish generations of people for the sins of their ancestors, into the 3rd and 4th generations after the sins are committed."
Moses threw himself at the ground and asked that God travel with the Israelites.
God promised to show Moses a bunch of awesome miracles in front of all the people.
"Furthermore," he said, "the god of compassion and mercy will go before you and drive out all the folks who live in the land I promised you guys. Be very careful never to make a treaty with the people who live in the land where you're going because that will lead to compromise and you'll be sucked into wickedness. You have to break down their pagan altars, destroy their houses of worship, and cut down their Asherah poles. I am the only god you are to worship."
"Sounds legit," said Moses, to whom such things sounded legit.
"These people will invite you to join them in their sacrificial meals and you will go with them. You will accept their daughters as wives for your sons. They will trick your sons into worshiping their gods! Do NOT make any gods out of molten metal!"
"Are you still on about that?!" said Moses. "That was just last week, and we killed off 3,000 of our merry band, just like you asked."
God laid out a bunch of declarations:
- You must celebrate the Matzo Festival.
- The firstborn of every animal is to be consecrated to me.
- Nobody may appear before me without an offering.
- Rest every seventh day.
- Celebrate the Festival of the Harvest and the Festival of the Final Harvest.
- I'm allergic to yeast. Leave it out of blood offerings to me.
- Do not keep any of the meat from Passover sacrifices overnight.
- While you harvest your crops, bring the very best of the first harvest to me.
- Don't cook a baby goat in its mother's milk.
 |
| Hey, if God gets to say it twice, I get to use the same art twice. |
Moses again stayed on the mountain with God for forty days and forty nights. He nommed no bread and glugged no water and somehow did not die.
When Moses came down Mount Sinai carrying the stone tablets, he didn't know that his face was all shiny 'cause he had spoken with God, so Aaron and the Israelites were afraid to come near him.
 |
| His beard isn't glowing because it is secure in its awesomeness and doesn't need a rave, thankyouverymuch. |
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