Exodus 33 | Angelic Eviction, or, A Rock with a View
God told Moses to bring all the people out to Canaan. "I'll send my angel to lead you and I'll drive out the folks who live there now," he said, "but I'm not going with you because you're a bunch of jerks and I'd probably kill you all on the way."
When the people heard this, they felt bad and stripped off their jewelry and Hilfiger clothes while God tried to figure out just what to do with them.
Moses had a special tent--the Tent of Meeting, hereafter referred to as Tentmoot for reasons any Tolkien fan would understand--just outside the camp where he'd go hang out with God. When he'd leave camp, folks would watch him and when he went into the Tentmoot, Godpillarcloudthingy would hang around outside the entrance. God spoke to Moses there face-to-face. When the people saw Godpillarcloudthingy, they would worship at the entrances to their own tents. Moses would return to camp, but his young intern Josh didn't.*
Moses prayed to God to request clarification. "Who's coming with me to lead these people?"
"I am, in a way," God replied, "but in a way that will allow me to be here and you to be there so that I do not kill all of you."
"Not okay, God. How are people going to know you are pleased with me and your people if you're not gonna stick around?"
"Fine, fine," said God. "I'll go, 'cause I like you. I will go before you and be clear to you. I'll take charge of who I show mercy to and who I show compassion."
"Nice," said Moses.
"There's a catch," said God, about to contradict something said just a few verses earlier and move on without questioning the contradiction because this is the Bible and that's how these things work sometimes, "and that catch is that you can't see my face 'cause nobody can see me and live."
"Well," said Moses, "that's foreboding."
Then God told Moses of a complicated maneuver involving a really big crack in a rock whereby he could see God's back, but not his face, and the chapter ends on that particularly weird note.
See y'all tomorry.
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* Once again, I don't know what happens to Josh. I think, though, that the Tentmoot had a Flux Capacitor and Josh was really Marty McFly. Or maybe he was playing Nintendo. Presumably, God would like Nintendo, 'cause Nintendo is pretty freakin' sweet.
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| The various "-ites," calling this incident the Angelic Eviction, shortly thereafter began an ill-fated Occupy Heaven movement. |
Moses had a special tent--the Tent of Meeting, hereafter referred to as Tentmoot for reasons any Tolkien fan would understand--just outside the camp where he'd go hang out with God. When he'd leave camp, folks would watch him and when he went into the Tentmoot, Godpillarcloudthingy would hang around outside the entrance. God spoke to Moses there face-to-face. When the people saw Godpillarcloudthingy, they would worship at the entrances to their own tents. Moses would return to camp, but his young intern Josh didn't.*
Moses prayed to God to request clarification. "Who's coming with me to lead these people?"
"I am, in a way," God replied, "but in a way that will allow me to be here and you to be there so that I do not kill all of you."
"Not okay, God. How are people going to know you are pleased with me and your people if you're not gonna stick around?"
"Fine, fine," said God. "I'll go, 'cause I like you. I will go before you and be clear to you. I'll take charge of who I show mercy to and who I show compassion."
"Nice," said Moses.
"There's a catch," said God, about to contradict something said just a few verses earlier and move on without questioning the contradiction because this is the Bible and that's how these things work sometimes, "and that catch is that you can't see my face 'cause nobody can see me and live."
 |
| Moses/Benjamin Button shaved the beard. It's, uh, it's in the Book of... uh, the Book of Barbasol. |
Then God told Moses of a complicated maneuver involving a really big crack in a rock whereby he could see God's back, but not his face, and the chapter ends on that particularly weird note.
See y'all tomorry.
---
* Once again, I don't know what happens to Josh. I think, though, that the Tentmoot had a Flux Capacitor and Josh was really Marty McFly. Or maybe he was playing Nintendo. Presumably, God would like Nintendo, 'cause Nintendo is pretty freakin' sweet.
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