Exodus 30 | God Creates Proprietary Laws, More Godhaus Stuff
"Right, then," said Talky McTalkerson God, "here's how you gotta make the altar."
God then went on, more about acacia and pure gold, poles for carrying it, etc., and asked that the altar be placed in front of the curtain that shields the Ark/chest/thingy so God can have a meet-n'-greet.
The good LAWD then went on to explain that Aaron's gotta burn incense on the altar every morning when he lights the lamps, do it again at twilight, etc., so the incense would be consistently burning for generations to come.
"Don't offer any other incense, burnt offering, grain offering, or drink offering on this altar," said God.
"Once a year Aaron will give a sin offering. This annual sin offering will go on for generations to come and it is most holy to me."
Then God demanded that each Israelite must pay a ransom for his life when he is counted as Moses takes a census. "This'll keep plagues and stuff away... yeah. That's what it'll do, it'll keep plagues away. Without money, I apparently, according to my holy book, tend to fly into rages and sic a buncha frogs, locusts, and angels of death on people.* So gimme half a shekel and you can go to the 'counted' side; the rich are not to give more and the poor aren't to give less. Use the atonement money for Godhaus maintenance."
God then decided he wanted a basin. "Moses, c'mere," he said.
"What's up?" asked Moses.
"Make a basin, too."
"Pure gold?"
"Nah, just bronze this time."
"Shakin' it up, are we?"
"Yeah. Anyway, the basin is for washing hands and feet. Failure to wash hands and feet before entering the Godhaus will--"
"Result in death," Moses said along with God, writing it down.
"Make an anointing oil with a gallon of olive oil and some spices. Anoint Aaron and his sons so they may serve me as priests. Then tell the Israelites not to pour it over anyone else's body and not to make any other oil using the same formula or they will have to be cut off from Israel."
God continued about the oil. "Anoint pretty much everything about the Godhaus with this oil. The priests, the altar, the Godhaus itself, the incense altar, the burnt offering altar, the utensils for the burnt offering altar, the extremity-washing basin, and hell, if you want, go ahead and anoint the anointing oil with anointing oil."
Then God told Moses to make incense blends and salt them. "Make 'em all pure n' sacred-like," God said. "Grind it into powder and put it on the front of the ChestArkThingy in the Godhaus where I'll meet you. Don't make any of this same incense for yourselves; it is holy to me. Anyone making incense like it for themselves must be cut off from Israel."
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* I truly tried to remain somewhat impartial, but this stuff is in the Bible and I can't help feeling that God's a huge jerk at this point.
God then went on, more about acacia and pure gold, poles for carrying it, etc., and asked that the altar be placed in front of the curtain that shields the Ark/chest/thingy so God can have a meet-n'-greet.
The good LAWD then went on to explain that Aaron's gotta burn incense on the altar every morning when he lights the lamps, do it again at twilight, etc., so the incense would be consistently burning for generations to come.
"Don't offer any other incense, burnt offering, grain offering, or drink offering on this altar," said God.
 |
| "Behold, I now offer upon thine altar yon booze, for mine heavenly homies who ain't here no mo'." |
Then God demanded that each Israelite must pay a ransom for his life when he is counted as Moses takes a census. "This'll keep plagues and stuff away... yeah. That's what it'll do, it'll keep plagues away. Without money, I apparently, according to my holy book, tend to fly into rages and sic a buncha frogs, locusts, and angels of death on people.* So gimme half a shekel and you can go to the 'counted' side; the rich are not to give more and the poor aren't to give less. Use the atonement money for Godhaus maintenance."
God then decided he wanted a basin. "Moses, c'mere," he said.
"What's up?" asked Moses.
"Make a basin, too."
"Pure gold?"
"Nah, just bronze this time."
"Shakin' it up, are we?"
"Yeah. Anyway, the basin is for washing hands and feet. Failure to wash hands and feet before entering the Godhaus will--"
"Result in death," Moses said along with God, writing it down.
"Make an anointing oil with a gallon of olive oil and some spices. Anoint Aaron and his sons so they may serve me as priests. Then tell the Israelites not to pour it over anyone else's body and not to make any other oil using the same formula or they will have to be cut off from Israel."
 |
| "If you use this proprietary mixture, I'll have Apple sue your asses like you're Samsung." --The LAWD |
Then God told Moses to make incense blends and salt them. "Make 'em all pure n' sacred-like," God said. "Grind it into powder and put it on the front of the ChestArkThingy in the Godhaus where I'll meet you. Don't make any of this same incense for yourselves; it is holy to me. Anyone making incense like it for themselves must be cut off from Israel."
---
* I truly tried to remain somewhat impartial, but this stuff is in the Bible and I can't help feeling that God's a huge jerk at this point.
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