Exodus 3 | In Which Moses Gets Homework
One day Moses was tending the flock of his father-in-law Jethro (AKA Reuel, AKA Hobab, AKA Lil' Reuel, AKA Young Jethy) and he led the flock to Horeb, the Mountain of God. At the peak, he came across a bush that, though on fire, was not being consumed by said fire.
God called to him by name from the bush. "Moses! Moses!"
Trippy, thought Moses, and before he could tuck tail and haul it back down the mountain, he found himself saying "here I am."
"Stay there," said the Godbush. "Take your sandals off; you're standing on holy ground. I am the God of your father, of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." Moses, being well-read on the subject of the Hebrew god, hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God.
"I know the crap my people are going through in Egypt. I hear them constantly crying out because their slave drivers are jerks and I'm gonna do something about the misery. I'm sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt and to the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, Jebusites, Parasites, Stalactites, socialites, dustmites, termites, websites..."
The "-ites" went on for like an hour, during which time Moses had to keep stealing glances at the bush to make sure he hadn't accidentally dropped acid or something. The burning Godbush yielded no affirmations to the contrary, but at least his perception of reality was consistent.
Afterwards, Moses asked "who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the slaves out of Egypt?"
"I'll be with you. When you bring the people out of Egypt, worship me on this mountain."
Moses asked what to tell the Israelites if they ask the name of the god who sent him.
"Tell 'em this: 'The LORD (make sure you say it in all-caps, this'll be great for Internet discussion one day), the God of your fathers--the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob--has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, the name you shall call me from generation to generation. Assemble the elders and tell 'em 'The LORD appeared to me and said 'your life sucks and I'ma fix it. Follow this bearded fellow out of Egyptian oppression.' Ooh! They like milk and honey. Tell 'em there'll be lots of milk and honey. The elders will listen to you."
Godbush thought for a bit and continued on.
"Then you and the elders need to go to Pharaoh and ask for a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to me. He's not gonna let you go without a Divine Smackdown, so I'll be in the kitchen cookin' up some stuff for that later on."
"The idea," continued Godbush, "is to make the Egyptians let you leave under relatively favorable conditions so that you don't go empty-handed. Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman in her house for silver, gold, and clothing for the kids. I'm gonna help you guys totally pillage the Egyptians."
God called to him by name from the bush. "Moses! Moses!"
Trippy, thought Moses, and before he could tuck tail and haul it back down the mountain, he found himself saying "here I am."
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| Hey, bushes are harder to draw than fire. What's that? Where are the sheep? ...hey look! Shiny new subject! |
"I know the crap my people are going through in Egypt. I hear them constantly crying out because their slave drivers are jerks and I'm gonna do something about the misery. I'm sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt and to the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, Jebusites, Parasites, Stalactites, socialites, dustmites, termites, websites..."
The "-ites" went on for like an hour, during which time Moses had to keep stealing glances at the bush to make sure he hadn't accidentally dropped acid or something. The burning Godbush yielded no affirmations to the contrary, but at least his perception of reality was consistent.
Afterwards, Moses asked "who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the slaves out of Egypt?"
"I'll be with you. When you bring the people out of Egypt, worship me on this mountain."
Moses asked what to tell the Israelites if they ask the name of the god who sent him.
"Tell 'em this: 'The LORD (make sure you say it in all-caps, this'll be great for Internet discussion one day), the God of your fathers--the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob--has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, the name you shall call me from generation to generation. Assemble the elders and tell 'em 'The LORD appeared to me and said 'your life sucks and I'ma fix it. Follow this bearded fellow out of Egyptian oppression.' Ooh! They like milk and honey. Tell 'em there'll be lots of milk and honey. The elders will listen to you."
Godbush thought for a bit and continued on.
"Then you and the elders need to go to Pharaoh and ask for a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to me. He's not gonna let you go without a Divine Smackdown, so I'll be in the kitchen cookin' up some stuff for that later on."
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| The Kamehameha is the closest humans have gotten to perfecting the Divine Smackdown. I figured I'd include it here. |
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| "Verily, verily, I say unto you: Aaaarrrrrghhh!!!!" |
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