Exodus 29 | Bull Slaughterin' and Ordainin'

God started in on that lots-of-talking thing he did so much of back then.

"This is how you consecrate the priests:  take a young bull and two rams.  These animals have to be perfect--no blemishes whatsoever.  From your best wheat flour make some Matzo--some round, some thick with olive oil mixed in, and thin ones brushed with olive oil.  Put the bread in a basket and present them with the bull and rams.  Then bring Aaron and his sons to the entrance to the Godhaus and spray 'em with the hose.  Put Aaron in an ephod and give him a turban.  Pour anointing oil over his head.  Dress his sons in tunics and give 'em some hats.  Then they get sashes.  The priesthood is theirs forever.

"Time for ordination.

"Bring the bull to the front of the Godhaus and have Aaron and his sons lovingly lay their hands on its head.  Then slaughter the bull right there at the entrance.  Smear its blood around on the altar and burn all the fat internal organs, lobe of the liver, both kidneys (including kidney fat), and burn the mass o' entrails on the altar.

Another popular game show among young Israelite bulls.  This joke was my wife's and it was hilarious.  Hopefully it still is now that I've published it.

"BUT (and this is important) make sure you burn the bull's flesh, skin, and intestines outside the camp.  It's a sin offering."

As you can tell, God was very talky.  But this "sin offering" thing is where I think the word "scapebullgoat" came from.  A "sin offering," or "purification offering," is basically a way to atone for sin by sacrificing, outside of the camp/village/holy-or-holyish-ground, something that represents your sin (in this case, a bull's meat, skin, and digestive plumbing).

God then went on to explain more and more about the process of slaughtering animals to ordain priests.  Seriously, this goes on for like a long time.  Aaron's garments were to be bequeathed to his descendants so they could be ordained in them (hopefully some Tide or Snuggle or at the very least Febreze would be bequeathed as well), and the whole process was to take (you guessed it) seven days...

I have suppressed the urge to use this image so many times already, but you know what?  I'm done.  It's gotta be used, and it's gotta be used here.

The altar was to be made holy to the point that anything touching it thereafter would become holy as well.  (Contagious holiness today is known in the United States as "the Religious Right," "The Moral Majority," or "The Southern Baptist Convention.")

The endgame of all this was that God would dwell among the Israelites on Earth.