Exodus 24 | Moving Mountaintops and a Doctor's Visit

God told Moses to assemble Aaron, some dude named Nadab, and another dude named Abihu, as well as seventy of the elders of Israel and come up the mountain.

"All except you are to worship at a distance.  You alone are to approach me; the others can't come near.  The Israelites may not come up with you," God stressed.

So Moses went back down the mountain again and told the Israelites God's words and laws (which must have made for some interesting conversations).  "We'll obey the LORD," they replied in chorus (which must have made for some heebie-jeebies).

Moses got up early the next morning and built an altar (and lo, it waxed devoid and without them there dirty junk-peepin' stairs, thankyouverymuch) at the foot of the mountain and set up twelve stone pillars to represent the twelve tribes of Israel.

This sign was unearthed near the Red Sea.  It apparently used to hang on the wall of a rebellious teenager who stole it and kept it as a trophy.  Further findings indicate that his homies, when visiting, gaped in awe at the fortitude of character the youth displayed when he pilfered the sign and brazenly hung his achievement on the wall for all the world his room to see.

Then Moses sent out young Israelite men to sacrifice young bulls to God.  Moses took half the blood and put it in bowls and he splashed the other half against the altar (y'know, the usual).  He then took the Book of the Covenant and read it out loud to the people, who again responded "We'll obey the LORD," calling forth many a goosebump on many a person.

Moses then sprinkled the blood on the people and said "this is the blood of the covenant that God has made with you."

It's actually the blood of Butch, the bull who gored some other bull, thereby placing himself ahead in the running on the hit game show "Who Wants to Be a Sacrifice."

Moses, Aaron, Nadab, Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel went up the mountain again to go hang out with God (as per God's aforementioned come-only-this-far-'cept-Moses instructions).  They actually saw God, and saw that under his feet was a stretch of pavement made of lapis lazuli, bright and blue as the sky.  God didn't even mess with the leaders of Israel; they saw him and had a meal, because when meeting for the first time the God of Divine Smackdowns, Oddly Specific Law, Weenie Choppin', and Geriatric Mountain Climbing, you ask for directions to the nearest Waffle House (and you do it politely).

God told Moses, "I haven't worked out that Internet thing you bugged me about last time, but I have some enormous stone tablets for you to carry back down the mountain with all the crap we talked about engraved on 'em.  I don't know why I didn't think of this before."*

So Moses groaned, sighed, kicked about in the dust a bit, and despite already being on the Mountain of God, apparently went up on the Mountain of God again,** bringing his intern Josh with him.  He told the elders to wait until they came back down for them, and to refer any disputes to Aaron and Hur.

So Moses and Intern Josh went on up the mountain, Moses entering a cloud wherein did chillax the LORD.  Moses stayed there for 40 days and 40 nights and I hope Josh is all right 'cause I'm not sure exactly what happened with him to be completely honest with you.

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*I'd like to point out here that nowhere in the Bible does Moses actually whine about the Internet not being invented (I mean, nobody even knew who Al Gore was at the time, despite Gore's consistent visits to Earth over the last sixty thousand years as a pizza delivery man in a blue police box disguised many a time as David Tennant).

[Citation needed.]

Also, Moses had not been chiseling the stuff previously; it just helped with conversational segues that made for, I feel, somewhat less awkward writing and a bit of fun at this point.  Remember, I'm taking artistic license here (see Al-Gore-is-The-Doctor above); the difference is that I'll admit my embellishments are, in fact, embellishments.

**Curiously, this is in the Bible.  From the top of a mountain, Moses... climbs a mountain.  Dude totally had the faith of a mustardseed.