Exodus 23 | Laws 'bout Justice n' the Sabbath
LAWS 'BOUT JUSTICE
"Ready for some laws 'bout justice?" asked God.
"Bring it on," replied Moses, and these were listed off:
1. Don't spread rumors, especially if you're lying to help a guilty person.
2. Don't follow the crowd if they're doing something wrong. Even if you're the last person doing what's right, it's better to do what's right. Don't show favoritism to a poor person in a lawsuit.
3. If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, return it. If you see someone you hate whose donkey's worn out from its load and stopped, don't leave it there; help them with it.
4. Don't deny justice to poor people. Do not bring about false charges and don't kill innocent people; I will not acquit the guilty.
5. Don't accept a bribe.
6. Be nice to foreigners.
"You already said that," said Moses.
"It's important, though. Lemme know when you're ready for Sabbath laws."
SABBATH LAWS
God then dictated these to Moses:
1. Sow the fields and harvest the crops for six years, but in the seventh year let the land lie unplowed and unused. Then the poor folk can get food from it and the wild animals can nom the remains. Do the same with your vineyard and olive groves.
2. Work for six days, but do nothing on the seventh. The Sabbath day is a day of refreshment; your animals and slaves can chill out for a bit.
3. Remember that I am your only god. Don't call on any other gods.
4. Three times a year, you are all to celebrate a festival to me.
Aleph: Celebrate the Matzo Festival. For seven days eat yeastless bread as previously commanded. Do this at the appointed time during the month of Aviv, which you might recall as the month in which I brought you out of Egypt a la Divine Smackdowns.
Bet: Celebrate the Festival of Harvest with the first fruits of the crops from your field.
Gimmel: Celebrate the Festival of Ingathering at the end of the year when you bring in your crops.
Three times a year, all the men are to appear before me. Don't offer blood sacrifices to me along with anything with yeast. Also, the fat of my festival offerings must not be kept until morning.
5. Bring the best of the first fruits of your soil to the Godhaus.
6. Don't cook a young goat in its mother's milk.*
"I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
"I'm sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and bring you to the place I've prepared. Obey said angel; he won't forgive your rebellion, since he's my angel. If you obey him and do all that I make it say, I will be an enemy to your enemies and a mighty powerful one at that.
"My angel will bring you into the land of the Amorites, Hittites, et ceterites... yadda yadda yadda... and I will wipe them out.
"Do not bow down to their gods or become in any way like them. You must destroy them and their religions. Worship only me and my blessing will be on your food and water. You won't get sick, have misscarriages, or be unable to bear children. You will all have full lifespans.
"I will help you, Israel, establish your borders, and I will give you all the people who live in that land so you can drive them all out. Remember not to worship their gods. Don't allow them to live in your land (well, right now, theirs) or their gods will cause you to sin against me."
---
*Yes, that's really there. Oddly specific, in my opinion.
"Ready for some laws 'bout justice?" asked God.
"Bring it on," replied Moses, and these were listed off:
1. Don't spread rumors, especially if you're lying to help a guilty person.
2. Don't follow the crowd if they're doing something wrong. Even if you're the last person doing what's right, it's better to do what's right. Don't show favoritism to a poor person in a lawsuit.
3. If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, return it. If you see someone you hate whose donkey's worn out from its load and stopped, don't leave it there; help them with it.
![]() |
"I'm not worn out, I'm just chillin'. You can still help if you want to, though." |
5. Don't accept a bribe.
6. Be nice to foreigners.
"You already said that," said Moses.
"It's important, though. Lemme know when you're ready for Sabbath laws."
SABBATH LAWS
God then dictated these to Moses:
1. Sow the fields and harvest the crops for six years, but in the seventh year let the land lie unplowed and unused. Then the poor folk can get food from it and the wild animals can nom the remains. Do the same with your vineyard and olive groves.
2. Work for six days, but do nothing on the seventh. The Sabbath day is a day of refreshment; your animals and slaves can chill out for a bit.
3. Remember that I am your only god. Don't call on any other gods.
4. Three times a year, you are all to celebrate a festival to me.
Aleph: Celebrate the Matzo Festival. For seven days eat yeastless bread as previously commanded. Do this at the appointed time during the month of Aviv, which you might recall as the month in which I brought you out of Egypt a la Divine Smackdowns.
Bet: Celebrate the Festival of Harvest with the first fruits of the crops from your field.
Gimmel: Celebrate the Festival of Ingathering at the end of the year when you bring in your crops.
Three times a year, all the men are to appear before me. Don't offer blood sacrifices to me along with anything with yeast. Also, the fat of my festival offerings must not be kept until morning.
5. Bring the best of the first fruits of your soil to the Godhaus.
6. Don't cook a young goat in its mother's milk.*
![]() |
The ultimate "Yo' Momma" joke. |
"I'm sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and bring you to the place I've prepared. Obey said angel; he won't forgive your rebellion, since he's my angel. If you obey him and do all that I make it say, I will be an enemy to your enemies and a mighty powerful one at that.
"My angel will bring you into the land of the Amorites, Hittites, et ceterites... yadda yadda yadda... and I will wipe them out.
"Do not bow down to their gods or become in any way like them. You must destroy them and their religions. Worship only me and my blessing will be on your food and water. You won't get sick, have misscarriages, or be unable to bear children. You will all have full lifespans.
"I will help you, Israel, establish your borders, and I will give you all the people who live in that land so you can drive them all out. Remember not to worship their gods. Don't allow them to live in your land (well, right now, theirs) or their gods will cause you to sin against me."
---
*Yes, that's really there. Oddly specific, in my opinion.
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