Exodus 22 | Property Laws, Social Laws, Mister Rogers, and Edward Scissorhands

"Movin' on to property laws," said God.  "Put some ointment on your chiselblister and let's get crackin'.  We got a lot to go through."

God then dictated a buncha laws 'bout property.

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1.  If you steal an ox, you have to pay back five.  If you steal a sheep, you have to pay back four.

2.  If you break into someone's house at night and the person living there kills you, they're still on the up-and-up under self-defense.  If it happens after sunrise though, they're guilty of murder.

3.  If someone steals they have to make restitution, but if they spent or sold all they stole, they have to be sold themselves to make up for the theft.  If a stolen animal is found in their possession--ox, donkey, or sheep--they have to pay back double.*

4.  If someone's livestock goes grazin' all up on someone else's property, said livestock owner has to bring the best of his own field to the person upon whose property the livestock grazed.  Heh, you thought I was gonna say "stone the bull" again, didn't you?  Nah, I got my trollface on.
We see what you did there, Facebook God.  You're not foolin' anybody.
5.  If someone starts a fire and it burns up someone's grain or field, Smokey Bear will nom your face off the person who started the fire has to make restitution.

6.  Let's say you give your friend something to hold onto and it gets stolen.  The thief, if caught, must pay back double.  If the thief isn't found, the person holdin' onto the goods is to come before me and I will determine whether he stole it.  In all cases of lost property involving someone claiming it, both parties are to bring their cases before me.  The one I find guilty will have to pay back double to the other.  Solomon's gonna have a grand ol' time with this kinda thing later on.

7.  If you give an animal to a neighbor for safekeeping and it dies, is injured, or gets stolen while in neighborly custody, the neighbor must take an oath before me that he didn't lay hands on your property.
Happy birthday, Mister Rogers.

You are to accept this with no restitution required.  Actually, I changed my mind about that "stolen" part--if you're watchin' someone's sheep and it gets stolen under your watch, you're a crappy neighbor and a crappy shepherd.  You'll have to pay restitution.  If it was torn to pieces by a wild animal, the neighbor must bring the remains as evidence and won't be required to pay for the shredded animal.
This may or may not have been an excuse to draw Edward Scissorhands.
8.  If you borrow an animal from your neighbor and it's injured or dies while the owner's not around, you have to make restitution.  If the owner IS with the animal, you won't have to pay.  If the animal was hired, the money paid for the hire will cover the loss.

Moses chiseled and chiseled while God chillaxed on the mountain.  When Moses was done, God said "okay, now for some social constructs."  Moses broke out the chisel again and God went on with the laws 'bout folks.

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1.  If a guy sleeps with a virgin who isn't betrothed, he must pay for her and they will be married.  If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the dowry.

2.  Despite having used magic by my hand countless times, you must kill anyone you find to be a sorceress.

3.  Bestiality is punishable by death.

4.  Anyone who sacrifices to any god that's not me will be completely destroyed.

5.  Treat foreign folk nicely.  You were foreigners in Egypt.

6.  Don't take advantage of widows or the fatherless.  If you do I will hear their cries and kill you by the sword.  Your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.

7.  If you lend money to a needy person, it's not a business deal.  Don't charge interest.  That's just bein' a jerk.  If you borrow your neighbor's cloak, return it by sunset; that cloak could be the only covering your neighbor has.  I am compassionate; I will hear them when they cry out to me.

8.  No blasphemy against me and no speakin' ill o' the ruler o' yer people.

9.  Don't hold back offerings from your granaries or your vats.  Cain did that when he gave me a dirt clod.  I liked his brother better.  Cain eventually apparently begat all you guys, whereas his brother was murdered in a field, so I guess it's too late to apply a moral to the story, but just don't be stingy with your offerings.

10.  Continue to give me the firstborn of your sons.  Do the same with your cattle and sheep.  They can stay with their mothers for seven days, but give them to me on the eighth day.

11.  You are to be my chosen people.  Do not eat the meat of any animal torn by wild beasts; throw it to the dogs.

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*I'm still confused as to whether this means two sheep or eight sheep, but regardless, the law itself is "don't steal sheep."  The true penalty, apparently, for stealing sheep is having to take math courses whereby you can learn that stealing one sheep means you have to give back two or eight or both two and eight (which is ten) or...  nevermind.  I'm just going to refrain, difficult though it may be, from sheep thievery.

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