Exodus 21 | The Return of Hipster Moses
"Here are some more laws for the Israelites," continued God.
"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he's to serve you for six years and then go free without paying anything. If he came with a wife, she is to go with him, but if you gave him a wife and she had kids, the wife and kids will belong to you and only the man will go free."
"What if, just, y'know, say the servant in question loves his wife and kids, or maybe even his master, and doesn't wanna go?" asked Moses.
"In that case, you take him to me. Then pierce his ear. He's your servant for life."
"Got it," said Moses, allowing me to use the Hipster Moses illustration again.
"Moving on. If a guy sells his daughter as a slave, she is stuck with her master forever. If she doesn't please the master, he has to let her be redeemed by the father as he has no right to sell her to foreign folk. If the master decides to give the slavegirl to his son, he has to treat her like a daughter. If said son marries another woman, he has to still provide for the first one, who retains claim to food, clothing, and marital rights. If he doesn't provide her with these three things, she is to go free without having to pay for her freedom."
Moses continued writing this down, wondering what on earth God had against women.
"Ready? I've got LOADS more," said God.
"Just a sec," said Moses, scrawling (inasmuch as he could with a chisel) onto his iRock. After a moment, he said "okay, go."
"Following is a series of put-to-deaths," said God, and he listed:
1. A bloke landing a fatal blow on another bloke. If the blow was unintentional, but I let it happen, you are to haul tail to a place I'll designate. But if it was premeditated, you have to be cast off from Israel and put to death.
2. Anyone who kills their father or mother. Dirtnap time.
3. Kidnapping. Not cool, so you are to be killed whether the victim has been sold or is still alive.
4. Anyone who curses his or her father or mother. Death to you.
5. If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be killed by stoning. You cannot eat its meat. The owner of the bull will not be held responsible unless the owner knows its bull has a habit of goring people to their longhorn demise, in which case the owner's an irresponsible jerk and it's curtains for him too; kill 'em both. Bull by stoning, but I don't care how you kill the owner. Still, don't eat him. Alternatively, the owner can redeem his life by paying whatever people want; if the bull gores a slave, the owner must pay 12oz of silver to the slave's master and watch as the bull is doomed a la mineral peltage.
"That's it for the put-to-deaths," said God. He thought a moment, stroked his godly beard, and added "For now. Anyway, when you're done chiseling, I've got more that aren't quite put-to-deaths."
After some chiseling, Moses nodded for God to continue.
"Right. If someone isn't killed, but is bedridden, after a fight, the assault perp won't be held responsible if the victim can walk with a cane. However, he has to pay the victim for any loss of time/wages and see that the victim gets completely healed."
"What if he can't get out of bed?" Moses might perchance have said.
"Let's see," God would've probably replied, "Exodus 21... Exodus 21.... no, not in there. Well I'll be... Looks like I hadn't thought about that, apparently. Sorry, this'll have to do as it is."
Moses shrugged a "meh, whatevs" and God continued on.
"If a dude beats his slave with a rod he must be punished if the slave dies (y'all figure out the punishment), but not if the slave recovers after a day or two. I mean, the slave is just the dude's property.
"If a pregnant woman has a miscarriage or gives premature because of being hit, but there's no serious injury, the offender will be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows. Any serious injuries are to be matched; life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, burn for burn, bruise for bruise..."
God kept going on like this until he realized Moses just stopped after "etc." "Chiseling this stuff is hard work," said Moses. "You have REALLY gotta get on that Internet thing."
"Yeah, sorry. The details I guess don't matter so much, just try not to beat women or kill fetuses. Feti. Fe..feta? That can't be right, that's a cheese... no, that'd just be feta if the singular is fetum. Right? That's the Latin rule, yeah?"
Moses was very confused, so God said, "Anyway, let's move on. More about slave-beating."
"Yes, we can work with slave-beating," said Moses, having actually lived during times of slave-beating.
"If an owner socks a slave in the eye and the eye is destroyed, the slave must be freed in compensation. Same for knocking out teeth. This goes for male and female slaves."
"Oh, that'll be fantastic news for my cycloptic homies down the mountain!" exclaimed Moses.
"So it will. If someone uncovers or digs a pit and an ox or donkey falls into it, the person who opened the pit must pay the owner for the loss and take the dead animal.
"Lastly, if anyone's bull kills someone else's, the two parties must sell the live bull and divide the money and the dead bull equally. But if it was known that the bull had a habit of fellow bull-murdering/goring tendencies but the owner didn't keep it safe in a pen, the owner must trade his live bull for the not-so-live one."
"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he's to serve you for six years and then go free without paying anything. If he came with a wife, she is to go with him, but if you gave him a wife and she had kids, the wife and kids will belong to you and only the man will go free."
"What if, just, y'know, say the servant in question loves his wife and kids, or maybe even his master, and doesn't wanna go?" asked Moses.
"In that case, you take him to me. Then pierce his ear. He's your servant for life."
"Got it," said Moses, allowing me to use the Hipster Moses illustration again.
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| iReduce. iReuse. iRecycle. iRock. |
Moses continued writing this down, wondering what on earth God had against women.
"Ready? I've got LOADS more," said God.
"Just a sec," said Moses, scrawling (inasmuch as he could with a chisel) onto his iRock. After a moment, he said "okay, go."
"Following is a series of put-to-deaths," said God, and he listed:
1. A bloke landing a fatal blow on another bloke. If the blow was unintentional, but I let it happen, you are to haul tail to a place I'll designate. But if it was premeditated, you have to be cast off from Israel and put to death.
2. Anyone who kills their father or mother. Dirtnap time.
3. Kidnapping. Not cool, so you are to be killed whether the victim has been sold or is still alive.
4. Anyone who curses his or her father or mother. Death to you.
5. If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be killed by stoning. You cannot eat its meat. The owner of the bull will not be held responsible unless the owner knows its bull has a habit of goring people to their longhorn demise, in which case the owner's an irresponsible jerk and it's curtains for him too; kill 'em both. Bull by stoning, but I don't care how you kill the owner. Still, don't eat him. Alternatively, the owner can redeem his life by paying whatever people want; if the bull gores a slave, the owner must pay 12oz of silver to the slave's master and watch as the bull is doomed a la mineral peltage.
"That's it for the put-to-deaths," said God. He thought a moment, stroked his godly beard, and added "For now. Anyway, when you're done chiseling, I've got more that aren't quite put-to-deaths."
After some chiseling, Moses nodded for God to continue.
"Right. If someone isn't killed, but is bedridden, after a fight, the assault perp won't be held responsible if the victim can walk with a cane. However, he has to pay the victim for any loss of time/wages and see that the victim gets completely healed."
"What if he can't get out of bed?" Moses might perchance have said.
"Let's see," God would've probably replied, "Exodus 21... Exodus 21.... no, not in there. Well I'll be... Looks like I hadn't thought about that, apparently. Sorry, this'll have to do as it is."
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| "And when Matt writes stuff, the Fourth Wall must be put to death. Ideally by light saber." |
"If a dude beats his slave with a rod he must be punished if the slave dies (y'all figure out the punishment), but not if the slave recovers after a day or two. I mean, the slave is just the dude's property.
"If a pregnant woman has a miscarriage or gives premature because of being hit, but there's no serious injury, the offender will be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows. Any serious injuries are to be matched; life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, burn for burn, bruise for bruise..."
God kept going on like this until he realized Moses just stopped after "etc." "Chiseling this stuff is hard work," said Moses. "You have REALLY gotta get on that Internet thing."
"Yeah, sorry. The details I guess don't matter so much, just try not to beat women or kill fetuses. Feti. Fe..feta? That can't be right, that's a cheese... no, that'd just be feta if the singular is fetum. Right? That's the Latin rule, yeah?"
Moses was very confused, so God said, "Anyway, let's move on. More about slave-beating."
"Yes, we can work with slave-beating," said Moses, having actually lived during times of slave-beating.
"If an owner socks a slave in the eye and the eye is destroyed, the slave must be freed in compensation. Same for knocking out teeth. This goes for male and female slaves."
"Oh, that'll be fantastic news for my cycloptic homies down the mountain!" exclaimed Moses.
"So it will. If someone uncovers or digs a pit and an ox or donkey falls into it, the person who opened the pit must pay the owner for the loss and take the dead animal.
"Lastly, if anyone's bull kills someone else's, the two parties must sell the live bull and divide the money and the dead bull equally. But if it was known that the bull had a habit of fellow bull-murdering/goring tendencies but the owner didn't keep it safe in a pen, the owner must trade his live bull for the not-so-live one."
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