Exodus 20, gorrammit!
God spoke to the people and said "hey y'all, it's me."
They stood around in stunned silence, not daring to touch the mountain.
"Right, let's move onto the Commandments," continued God, and he listed off these:
1. Don't have any other gods. I'm the only one y'all need to be concerned with.
2. Don't make any likenesses--drawings, sculptures, etc.--of anything in heaven, above or on the earth, or in the water.
Don't bow down or worship anything in the sky, on the earth, or in the water, because I am a jealous god and I punish three or four generations of children for the sins of their parents, but bless a thousand generations of those who unquestioningly obey my every word and whim.
3. Don't call on me for no reason; everyone who takes my name in vain will be held accountable, gorrammit.
4. Remember the Sabbath day and set it aside for chillaxin'. You are not to work, none of you, on the seventh day.
5. Honor and obey your parents.
6. No killin'. We've been through this.
7. No cheatin' on da spousefolk (however many and varied you have).
8. No stealin'.
9. No lyin'.
10. Don't be all jealous of your neighbor's material stuff, specifically his wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey.
When the Israelites saw thunder and lightning and heard the loud trumpet blast, they were afraid and told Moses they'd listen if he spoke himself, but they would rather die than hear God speak again.
"Don't be afraid," Moses replied. "God has come to test you. The fear of God is healthy. It'll keep you from sinning."
The people stayed away from the mountain while Moses went back to hang out with God.
"Tell the Israelites not to create any gods with silver or gold. Tell 'em to make an altar of dirt for me and sacrifice their burnt offerings and what-have-you. If they make an altar of stones, the stones can't be defiled with tools; they gotta be just-found-'em-right-down-the-road-a-ways stones. Oh, and don't go up to my altar on stairs or everyone'll see your junk."*
---
*Yes, that's actually there. Underwear hadn't become a... a thing, yet, which is quite interesting considering the... uh, the misunderstandings regarding the Ancients and their Uglies.
They stood around in stunned silence, not daring to touch the mountain.
"Right, let's move onto the Commandments," continued God, and he listed off these:
1. Don't have any other gods. I'm the only one y'all need to be concerned with.
2. Don't make any likenesses--drawings, sculptures, etc.--of anything in heaven, above or on the earth, or in the water.
 |
| Well....crap. |
3. Don't call on me for no reason; everyone who takes my name in vain will be held accountable, gorrammit.
 |
| "Wash, I'm gonna need you to pull me a Jehov-- wait, an Ivan. Yeah. Pull an Ivan." |
5. Honor and obey your parents.
6. No killin'. We've been through this.
7. No cheatin' on da spousefolk (however many and varied you have).
8. No stealin'.
9. No lyin'.
10. Don't be all jealous of your neighbor's material stuff, specifically his wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey.
When the Israelites saw thunder and lightning and heard the loud trumpet blast, they were afraid and told Moses they'd listen if he spoke himself, but they would rather die than hear God speak again.
"Don't be afraid," Moses replied. "God has come to test you. The fear of God is healthy. It'll keep you from sinning."
The people stayed away from the mountain while Moses went back to hang out with God.
"Tell the Israelites not to create any gods with silver or gold. Tell 'em to make an altar of dirt for me and sacrifice their burnt offerings and what-have-you. If they make an altar of stones, the stones can't be defiled with tools; they gotta be just-found-'em-right-down-the-road-a-ways stones. Oh, and don't go up to my altar on stairs or everyone'll see your junk."*
---
*Yes, that's actually there. Underwear hadn't become a... a thing, yet, which is quite interesting considering the... uh, the misunderstandings regarding the Ancients and their Uglies.
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