Exodus 19 | In Which God uses Mount Sinai and Moses as the First Yo-Yo
Three months after the Israelites left Egypt they came to the Desert of Sinai and camped in front of the mountain. God called to Moses from the mountain and said "Tell the Israelites, 'you've seen with your own eyes my furious Divine Smackdowns against the Egyptians. If you completely obey me and heed my every word, you will be my treasured possession. The whole earth is mine, but all y'all's gonna be my favorite.'"
So Moses told the elders and they all agreed to do whatever the LORD says. Moses relayed such agreement to the LORD.
"I'ma come down there in a dense cloud," God told Moses, "so the people will hear me speaking with you and they'll always trust you. Go tell the people to clean themselves today and tomorrow. Have 'em wash their clothes, do their hair, spray perfume by the gallon, the works. In three days, they're all gonna see me coming down Mount Sinai."
God thought a moment and said "Make sure nobody goes near the mountain or touches the foot of it; if they do, they are to be brutally murdered by stoning or shot with arrows, whether it's a person or an animal. You cannot touch the people or animals who touch the mountain; you have to kill them from afar. No person or animal who touches the mountain will be allowed to live. I cannot stress this enough. When you hear a ram's horn go off and someone goin' 'REEEEEEEEEE-colaaaaaaaaaaa,' it's all good, y'all can come up to the mountain. 'Til then, you'll have to be brutally murdered by your homies pelting rocks at you or be killed a la Robin Hood."
Moses told everyone this as well as "also don't have sex," because after "cut off the end of yer willy" you might as well throw that in there too. They all cleaned up and stayed the hell away from the freakin' mountain.
Three days later, there was thunder and lightning and a thick cloud over the mountain with a very loud trumpet blast. Everyone was duly afraid and Moses led the people out of their camp to go hang out with the LORD.
Mount Sinai was covered in smoke, because God, being very theatrical, came down on it in fire as the whole mountain shook. He called Moses to the top of the mountain and Moses went up.
God let an uneasy silence go by and started in. "Go down the mount--"
Moses probably interrupted here. It's not in the Bible, but probably just 'cause it's not the kind of thing that should go in the Bible. So, my dear readers, I'm letting you know I'm taking a little more artistic license than usual on this one.
"OMG are you SERIOUS?!! How many freakin' times have I climbed this thing already?! Up and down and up and down and here I am, up again! Can't you just invent the Internet already so you can have an Instant Messenger conversation with people or something?" babbled an over-83-year-old Moses, justifiably.
"Go down the mountain," God continued, "and warn the people so they don't force their way through to see me. Even the priests have to consecrate themselves or I'll end up killing them."
"They already know they can't come up Mount Sinai. You yourself warned us, 'the mountain is holy ground. People who touch it will be brutally murdered by their homies via archery or mineral peltage.' Remember?"
"Oh, yeah," said God. "Anyway, go down the mountain and bring Aaron back up with you. But only Aaron."
So Moses went down and told them again not to touch the mountain or try to go up.
So Moses told the elders and they all agreed to do whatever the LORD says. Moses relayed such agreement to the LORD.
"I'ma come down there in a dense cloud," God told Moses, "so the people will hear me speaking with you and they'll always trust you. Go tell the people to clean themselves today and tomorrow. Have 'em wash their clothes, do their hair, spray perfume by the gallon, the works. In three days, they're all gonna see me coming down Mount Sinai."
God thought a moment and said "Make sure nobody goes near the mountain or touches the foot of it; if they do, they are to be brutally murdered by stoning or shot with arrows, whether it's a person or an animal. You cannot touch the people or animals who touch the mountain; you have to kill them from afar. No person or animal who touches the mountain will be allowed to live. I cannot stress this enough. When you hear a ram's horn go off and someone goin' 'REEEEEEEEEE-colaaaaaaaaaaa,' it's all good, y'all can come up to the mountain. 'Til then, you'll have to be brutally murdered by your homies pelting rocks at you or be killed a la Robin Hood."
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"Nothin' to see here, go on about yer business, nothin' to see here, move along..." |
Three days later, there was thunder and lightning and a thick cloud over the mountain with a very loud trumpet blast. Everyone was duly afraid and Moses led the people out of their camp to go hang out with the LORD.
Mount Sinai was covered in smoke, because God, being very theatrical, came down on it in fire as the whole mountain shook. He called Moses to the top of the mountain and Moses went up.
God let an uneasy silence go by and started in. "Go down the mount--"
Moses probably interrupted here. It's not in the Bible, but probably just 'cause it's not the kind of thing that should go in the Bible. So, my dear readers, I'm letting you know I'm taking a little more artistic license than usual on this one.
"OMG are you SERIOUS?!! How many freakin' times have I climbed this thing already?! Up and down and up and down and here I am, up again! Can't you just invent the Internet already so you can have an Instant Messenger conversation with people or something?" babbled an over-83-year-old Moses, justifiably.
"Go down the mountain," God continued, "and warn the people so they don't force their way through to see me. Even the priests have to consecrate themselves or I'll end up killing them."
"They already know they can't come up Mount Sinai. You yourself warned us, 'the mountain is holy ground. People who touch it will be brutally murdered by their homies via archery or mineral peltage.' Remember?"
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God forgot to balance his breakfast that morning. |
So Moses went down and told them again not to touch the mountain or try to go up.
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