Exodus 15 | The Spontaneous Invention of Terrible Music
Moses (having confused himself for a legendary wizard) and the Israelites (having confused themselves for a merry band of dwarves, hobbits, and elves) sang a song to FireCloudPillarGodthingy.
The lil' ditty went a-somethin' like-a this-a:
We're singing to the LAWD 'cause he's the Big Cheese
The Egyptians and their horses are drowned in the seas
God is awesome
Thank you God
You rule forever and ever
'cause you're awesome and whatnot
Etc.
It was remarkably out of tune. "It's like they're all slowly learning how to un-sing," said Moses, stealing a joke and making a cross-reference to an amazing and popular TV show.
His sister, Miriam, overheard this and grabbed a tambourine to try to fix the horrific cacophony, only to find she had merely added still more unbearable noise. Worse still, all the women followed her example, smackin' tambourines and hoppin' about like speed-addled semi-musical gazelles. However, the people appeared happy and Moses appealed to his own hearing loss and moved on with his life.
Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. They traveled in the desert for three days without finding water. Naturally, there was considerably less singing. When they arrived at a place called Marah, they couldn't drink the water there because it was bitter.
"Hey, uh... God?" appealed Moses. "We can haz waters?" God pointed to a piece of wood, and Moses threw it into the water and it became fit to drink.
"Listen up, guys n' gals," said the LAWD, "n' lemme tell you summin'. If you listen to what I tell you to do and heed my commands, I'll spare you from all the diseases and general misery I brought on the Egyptians during the Divine Smackdowns a while back. I am, after all, your healer."
They went on to Elim, where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees ('cause when you get to a place like that, you just might as well count 'em up) and they camped near the water.
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| "The sand goes ever on and on..." |
We're singing to the LAWD 'cause he's the Big Cheese
The Egyptians and their horses are drowned in the seas
God is awesome
Thank you God
You rule forever and ever
'cause you're awesome and whatnot
Etc.
It was remarkably out of tune. "It's like they're all slowly learning how to un-sing," said Moses, stealing a joke and making a cross-reference to an amazing and popular TV show.
His sister, Miriam, overheard this and grabbed a tambourine to try to fix the horrific cacophony, only to find she had merely added still more unbearable noise. Worse still, all the women followed her example, smackin' tambourines and hoppin' about like speed-addled semi-musical gazelles. However, the people appeared happy and Moses appealed to his own hearing loss and moved on with his life.
 |
| Bad music makes Moses sad. He's been on Zoloft since Rebecca Black's "Friday." |
"Hey, uh... God?" appealed Moses. "We can haz waters?" God pointed to a piece of wood, and Moses threw it into the water and it became fit to drink.
 |
| "You threw a plank in a piss puddle and now it's drinkable. ...Well, all right. Seems legit." |
They went on to Elim, where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees ('cause when you get to a place like that, you just might as well count 'em up) and they camped near the water.
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