Exodus 14 | And afterrrrrr alllllll / yer my waterrrrr waaaalllllllllllllll (GAH i can't STAND THAT SONG)

"Tell the Israelites," said God, "to camp by the sea directly opposite Baal Zephon.  This will make Pharaoh think 'oh, the Israelites are wandering around all confused and whatnot.'  I'll harden Pharaoh's heart and he'll pursue them.  But I'll lay down yet another smackdown."

So the Israelites did as they were told.

It wasn't long before Pharaoh and his officials changed their minds about that whole letting-each-and-every-last-one-of-their-slaves-go thing, so Pharaoh left with an army to bring the sly devils back.

Six hundred of the best chariots rode along with others from Egypt, surrounded by officers, and they all pursued the Israelites, nearing their location across from Baal Zephon.

The Israelites looked back and, seeing Pharaoh and hundreds of military chariots hot on their trail, soaked many a pants leg in urine.

Hey, that's just... that's just how they talked back then.

"Did you bring us to the desert to die because there were no graves in Egypt?!" they somewhat-but-not-quite poetically asked Moses.  "It would've been better to serve the Egyptians and live than die here in the desert!"

"Don't worry," said Moses.  "You'll never see these Egyptians again.  Have you already forgotten the previous Divine Smackdowns?  What makes you think the LORD won't provide another still?  God will fight for you; just chill out."

Then God asked Moses, "What are you yellin' out to ME for?  Tell the Israelites to hoof it.  Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea.  The water will divide and you'll walk through on the dry seabed.  The Egyptians will follow you, but don't worry.  I got this."

CloudFirePillarGodthingy went from the front of the Israelite line to the back to get between the armies of Egypt and Israel.  The cloud brought light to one side and darkness to the other so that no army went near the other throughout the night.

Moses stretched his hand out over the sea and some split left, some split right, and a pathway between the columns of water was laid out before the Israelites.  They walked through.

"The Egyptian is not the issue here, Dude...  DONNIE YER OUTTA YER ELEMENT!!!"

All of Pharaoh's horses and chariots followed the Israelites into the sea.  At the last watch of the night, God jammed the wheels of the Egyptian chariots so they'd have trouble driving.  "Let's back off!" they cried.  "God is fighting for them against us!"

Then God told Moses to stretch his hand over the sea to return the waters to normal.  "The sea will swallow the Egyptian army," he said.  "It'll be EPIC."

And so it was.

All of the Egyptians died in the sea.  When the Israelites saw the Egyptians washed dead on the shore, they feared God and trusted him and Moses.