Exodus 12 | The... Well, the Exodus

God told Moses and Aaron about an annual religious tradition the Israelites were to observe.

"This month is to be your first month of the year," God started.  "On the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb or goat's kid for his family--one for each household.  If a household is too small for a whole freakin' lamb or kid, said lamb or kid is to be divvied up among the small household and said household's nearest neighbor, Communism-style."

"All right," said Moses, pushing up his glasses as he scrawled out notes (inasmuch as one can scrawl by using a rock to hit another rock with still yet another rock).  "How will we know what kind of animals to choose from?"

"And when ye drinketh of the Starbucks, maketh it with soy milk.  Go ye forth thereafter and nom upon the myriad meats and glug upon the myriad goat's and cow's milk, for the irony of it, like yon scarf thou doth don."

"Choose a kid or lamb that is one year old and has no defects.  Take care of 'em 'til the 14th and slaughter 'em the night of the 14th.  Then all Israelites must take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of their doorframes.  That same night, they have to roast the meat over a fire (not boiled, not raw, but roasted) and nom upon the meat.  ALL OF IT.  Nom the head, legs, internal organs, all of it.  Do NOT leave any meat until morning--if there's anything left in the morning, it has to be destroyed by fire.  Eat it with your cloak tucked into your belt and your shoes on.  Eat it quickly--this is the LORD's Passover."

"What's Passover?" Moses inquired.

"Well, see, that night I'm going to pass through Egypt and kill every firstborn offspring.  Pharaoh and the Egyptians, their rezombified livestock, etc., all will have divinely slaughtered firstborn ere daybreak.  I'm also feeling audacious and spunky, so I'm going to tell the Egyptian gods they suck, writing in the sand things like 'YHWH WUZ HEAR' and maybe '4 A GOOD TIEM CALL ANUBIS @ 1-800-GOD-RULZ' or something.  But y'all are gonna have blood on your doorways, which'll tell me not to kill the firstborn in those houses."

TROLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

"Gotcha," said Moses.  "Because ya know, the smearing blood thing wasn't my favorite idea when you first brought it up, but having thought it over, what with that child slaughter thing, uh... looks like you talked me into it."

"Isn't it though?" said God.  "Standard.  Moving on.  You all are to remember this day through the ages.  For seven days, you are to nom upon Matzo--unleaved bread (don't worry, man, it's freakin' DELICIOUS)--having removed all yeast from all your houses on the first day.  Anyone caught nomming upon yeast during these seven days must be cut off from Israel.  On the first and last days, hold a sacred assembly.  You are not to work at all on these days except to prepare food."

"Isn't that a little harsh?  Casting someone out for nommin' on yeast?"

"You're missing the point, Multiple Mose," replied God.  "And I mean, come on, it's just for seven days.  Y'all got this.  Celebrate the Matzo Festival because it was on this day that I brought you sad sacks out of Egypt.  Celebrate it as a lasting tradition for generations to come.  In the first month you are to nom Matzo bread from the 14th to the 21st.  No yeast at all is to be found in your houses during that week.  Anyone, foreigner or native-born, found nomming the yeast is to be cut off from Israel.  No matter where you live, you are to nom upon unleavened bread."

Moses summoned all the elders of Israel and told them to grab the animals for the Passover baby-animal slaughter.  He told them to bloody their doorframes and stay inside that night.  He then said "yep, we're gonna do this forever.  This way you can explain to your children and it can be passed down that we're doing this to remember God delivering us from the Egyptians via ultimate Divine Smackdown."

Without asking any questions whatsoever, the Israelites said "aight" and did as they were told.

At midnight the LORD killed all the firstborn in Egypt--from the firstborn of Pharaoh to the firstborn of the prisoner and those of the rezombified livestock (who at this point will probably come back to be smited once more).  Pharaoh, his officials, and all the Egyptians got up during the night and were stricken with intense grief because there was not a single household without a newly dead child.

During the night, Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and demanded that they get the hell out.  The Egyptians urged them as well, saying with best wishes, "with all due respect, get the hell out."

"And do please not forget to take your non-rezombified cattle and whatnot with you."

So the Israelites took their dough before the yeast was added (didja see that coming?) and asked the Egyptians for silver, gold, and clothing, in what was the politest pirate pillage ever.

U CAN HAZ DIVINELY-ENDORSED THIEVERY, YESH

The Egyptians gave the Israelites what they asked for and were plundered.

The Israelites numbered about six thousand men, not counting women and children ('cause, y'know, they don't count).  Many others went with them.  With the yeastless dough they brought from Egypt, they baked loaves of unleavened bread.  The Israelites, having spent 430 years in Egypt, were now free and on foot following a bearded fellow with a stick who talked to a burning bush who leveled Egypt many times over with a Divine Smackdown.

"Moses, Aaron, it's time to talk about the Passover Meal," said God.

"All right, let's have it," replied Moses and Aaron.

"No foreigner may eat it unless he and all the males in his house get the ends of their willies lopped off.  After circumcision, he may participate like one natively born to Israel.  Any slave you have bought may eat it after he's circumcised, but a temporary resident or a hired worker may not partake.  No uncircumcised male may nom upon the Passover feast.  This law applies to native-born and foreign Israelites."

So those who wanted to partake in the meal enough to chop off the ends of their willies happily did so and nommed upon the meal, and those who did not care all that much said "no thanks, man" and ate something else instead.

"I'll just have, like, some Arby's or somethin'."

On that very night, the LORD brought the Israelites out of Egypt.