EXODUS 1 | In Which Pharaoh Conspires to Commit Infanticide and Genocide Simultaneously

A while after Joseph and all of his generation died, conveniently clearing a slate from which to tell this story, Israel’s descendants become as numerous in Egypt as dirty cops in Los Angeles.  A new Pharaoh who didn’t know or care to know about Joseph and all of his awesomeness was concerned about this increasing Israelite population.

“There are too many Israelites among us,” he said, “and we gotta do somethin’ about it, because if we don’t and war breaks out, they’ll join our enemies, fight against us, and leave the country.”

The Egyptians then put slave masters over the Israelites and oppressed them with forced labor.  They built Pithom and Rameses as store cities for the Pharaoh.

The more the Israelites were oppressed, though, the more numerous they became, so the Egyptians worked them ruthlessly and essentially made their lives suck pretty badly.

The Pharaoh commanded the Hebrew midwives to kill male children when Hebrew women are giving birth and let the females live.  Because the midwives valued the convictions of God above the command of a Pharaoh, they let the boys live and, when confronted about it, just said “eh, the Hebrew women just all give birth before we even get there.  They’re vigorous and practice a lot with the Thigh Masters and the Stair Masters and the Viewmasters and what-have-you.”

These artifacts were found in Egypt cir. Long Bloody Time Ago.  They are believed to be ancient Hebrew workout equipment specially designed for women, who were apparently given to ocular genetic defects.

Because of this loyalty to his morality, God was kind to the midwives and gave them families of their own to be oppressed by their Egyptian overlords.

Then Pharaoh, sick of all these beastly Hebrew birthing hips so efficiently pushing out males, ordered all his people to throw every Hebrew boy into the Nile, but let the girls live.