Numbers 13 | Let's Find Out if Canaan Sucks

God told Moses he was gonna give the land of Canaan to the Israelites.

"Y'all should explore it," continued the LAWD.  "Send a leader from each of the twelve tribes."

So Moses sent out twelve dudes to explore Canaan.  They all had names and fathers, and if you're interested in that, grab yourself a Reg'lar Ol' Bible and check out verses 4-16.  ...Or just...  here:

One of these dudes had a dad basically named Suzie.  Let's all go back in time and give Gaddi a wedgie, shall we?  For really, really old time's sake?

Moses instructed the explorers to check out the land and find strenghts and weaknesses of the people there, how many there were, what their towns were like, whether they were fortified--the typical stuff you do when you have to assess whether or not the currently-occupied land God gave you was good enough for you or if it was a fixer-upper.

This kind of thing would resurface now and again throughout history.
Image source: http://www-tc.pbs.org/wnet/civilization-west-and-rest/files/2012/05/usa.jpg

"And bring back some grapes if you can," Moses is actually reported to have said in verse 20.

Some explorers went to Hebron, grabbed a branch with one bunch of grapes, and carried it around with some pomegranates and figs.  At the end of their forty-day expedition they brought it back to Moses and reported that the land is awesome, but the people who lived there were powerful and would totes pwn all up on God's chosen people.

I'm more proud of this joke than I'm supposed to admit, but I'm a writer, not a comedian.  That you might have laughed at any of this is purely incidental and guaranteeing me good company in hell.  >:D

There was a squabble over whether the aforementioned chosen people should go take the land from the powerful inhabitants who lived on it at the time.  One of the leaders--Caleb--thought they should attack and take the land, but those who went with him remembered that some of these people were freakin' giants and so they told Moses & Company "the land sucks."

It probably went somethin' like this.